
Glass __ 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

IN THREE ACTS. 

FIRST PERFORMED AT 

THE THEATRE-ROYAL, HAYMARKET, 

On Friday, July \&th, 1824. 



TO WHICH IS PREFIXED, 



AN EXPOSURE OF A RECENT 
LITTLE PROCEEDING OF THE GREAT DIRECTOR 

OF 

SJje ^fjeatre &ogal, at tlje ©otncr of 33t£t)gtg j&ftiet 



BY JOHN POOLE, ESQ., 

AUTHOR OF « SIMPSON AND CO." "WHO'S WHO?' 

&c. &c. 



LONDON : 

PRINTED FOR JOHN MILLER, 5, NEW BRIDGE STREET, 
BLACKFRIARS. 

1824. 
[Price Three Shillings. ~\ 






X/^v/ 



LONDON : 

8HACKELL AND ARROWSMITH, JOHNSON'S-COURT. 



TO 

JAMES S T AUBYN, ESQ. 

AS 

A TOKEN OF ESTEEM AND SINCERE REGARD 

THIS 

COMEDY 

IS 
INSCRIBED BY HIS FRIEND, 

THE AUTHOR. 



PREFACE. 



Lady Car. Braymore. What do you think the world would call 

such conduct ? 
Servant. Very dirty, indeed, my Lady. 

Colman, the younger. 

Now that the Theatre-Royal Elliston, at the 
corner of Brydges- Street, near Catherine-Street, in the 
Strand, is closed, I may fairly venture to notice a 
recent little proceeding of its great director. I abstained 
from so doing while that Gentleman's Theatre was open, 
and he had yet an opportunity of " redeeming his 
pledge" to the public, lest littleness, or ill-nature, might 
infer that I did so with the intention of exciting a preju- 
dice unfavourable to his " petite'"' Comedy, announced under 
the title of Married and Single. It is impossible, now, 
that any such motive can be imputed to me, for, not only 
is the Elliston Theatre closed, but, prior to its close 
(after various promises, and delays, and apologies, and 
pledges, and excuses) the advertisement of that piece en- 
tirely disappeared from the Elliston play-bills. Whether 
Mr. Elliston generally redeem his pledges to that 
" public, with whom it is ever his pleasure and pride to be 
punctual," or whether he do not, is a matter between the 
public and Mr. Elliston : with that I, individually, have 
nothing to do : but as I am somewhat a party in the pre- 



VI PREFACE. 

sent case, I am persuaded that my interference will not be 
considered impertinent. Taking this for granted, I shall 
i( state a few stubborn facts' ' — I beg pardon for using a 
favourite phrase of Mr. Elliston's — and though somewhat, 
perhaps, at the expence of brevity, I must begin at the 
beginning, and state my " stubborn facts'' circumstantially. 
This done, I shall leave the public to form its own opinion 
respecting the conduct of the great Director of that " great 
and important national establishment,"" the Theatre Royal 
— at the vomer of Brydges-Street.% 

It is now upwards of eighteen months since I read a 
French Drama called Le Celibataire et Vhomme Mari6. 
The piece, though not remarkable either for wit or humour 
in its dialogue, nor exhibiting even the shadow of a cha- 
racter, yet contained three or four ludicrous situations, 
Those who are at all acquainted with the French Theatre 
are aware that such a material is insufficient for the 
English stage ; and that by a mere plodding translation, 
made with the help of Nugenfs Pocket-Dictionary, it 
would no more become an English Comedy, than a French 
Melodrama, by similar drudgery, would start forth an 
English Tragedy. The piece, too, contained one capital 
defect : the author did not accomplish his own intention, 

* I am one of the many who no longer acknowledge the exist- 
ence of a Theatre Royal Dkury-Lane. Drury-Lane Theatre 
is associated in one's memory with the names of Garrick! and 
Sheridan ! and John Kejwble! who were, in succession, its 
managers. Mr. Elliston is a gentleman at the head of a larger 
sort of Olympic Pavilion, or Royal Circus, glittering with gold, 
and as fine as gingerbread, in which, in the course of his last season, 
be produced one Opera and three Melodramas. But poor Drury 
was burnt down to the ground several years ago ; and though its 
ancient site is encumbered with a building, and a few of its o!4 
professional ornaments si ill fondly linger about the spot, the SPIRIT 
of Drury lies prostrate, and buried in the dust. 



PREFACE. VU 

which was, professedly., to exhibit the various advantages 
and disadvantages incident to the two states of marriage 
and celibacy. However, such of its materials as were avail- 
able, I determined to appropriate to my own purposes : 
and thought that, by remodelling the piece ; — by partly 
abandoning its original intention as belonging to a higher 
order of Comedy ; — by making its leading object the 
exposure, in the person of a Sexagenary Dandy, of the 
folly merely, of living in the " double state of Married 
and Single;" — by the introduction of other new cha- 
racters, principal as well as subordinate, consequently 
of other new scenes and situations;* — and by attempt- 
ing to enliven the whole by as pleasant a dialogue as 
my limited powers would allow me to supply : — I thought 
that (as in the case of Simpson and Co. which is also 
founded on a French piece) something agreeable to an 
English audience might be the result of my efforts. 

A sketch of Married and Single was made, and tw r o acts 
were nearly finished, when, early in the last December, a 

* I may take tkis opportunity of saying, that although the idea of 
Beau Shatterly was first suggested to me by the M. Boissec, 
in Le Ci-devant- Jeune Homme, I am under no obligation whatever to 
the piece, except for the general outline of that character — a bold 
one, certainty — which I have filled up in the way best suitable to the 
exigencies of my own plan. Vhomme de Soixante Ans, another of 
the supposed sources of Married and Single, I have never seen, nor 
did I ever hear of it till after the performance of my Comedy. Of the 
other additions and alterations above alluded to, Mrs. Shatterly, 
Scamper, the Cramwells, and Captain O'Rapper, are new 
characters ; the Bickertons are considerably extended.; a vulgar. 
Sheriff's officer is converted into Ferret, a dapper young attorney ; 
and the greater part of the first act, and the whole of the third, 
— one situation excepted — are, as far as I am aware, my own. I 
must apologize for saying so much on the subject, but the very intent 
of this preface renders these explanations necessary. 



Vlli PREFACE. 

meeting with Me. Elliston was proposed to me, with a 
view to the accommodation of certain differences then exist- 
ing, and still existing, between that gentleman and myself. 
We met. In the course of our conversation, Mr. E. inquired 
of me whether I was acquainted with a French piece enti- 
tled Le Celibataire et Chomme Marie : " for," said he, " I 
" have received ajlat, dull translation of it, under the title 
" of Married and Single ! and it is, at the same time, so 
" vulgar, (a bailiff talking slang all the way through, 
" being the leading part,) that though I have bought it and 
" paid for it, it is quite useless to me ! ! /" Mr. E. added, 
that if I chose, he would submit the thing to me that I 
might see whether, since it contained two or three good 
situations, it could be " trimmed up." I told Mr. E. that a 
flat, dull translation as he described it to be, could be of no 
service to me, and that I would not even look at it, having 
long been engaged on the same subject, which I was treating 
in my own way. Mr. E. then expressed a wish to see mine. 
" This thing, Sir, cannot stand in the way of anything you 
may do, for " (An author's vanity may be surely par- 
doned the public boast of ranking high in the opinion of 
Mr. Elliston,) — " you are a clever dramatist, and what- 
ever you do must be well done." But, somehow or other, 
I did not, at the time, appreciate the compliment as I 
ought to have done, — at any rate, it did not take — for I told 
Mr, E. that he should neither see that, nor any thing else 
of mine, until certain points at issue between us were satis- 
factorily arranged. The next morning after this, I shewed 
my papers (bearing that very title of Married and Single) 
to the gentleman at whose house the meeting had taken 
place, and this I did for a reason which I explained to him, 
though as it does not immediately form a part of rny pre- 
sent business with Mr. E. it would be needless to repeat 
it here. 



PREFACE; IX 

I am conscious that all this detail is as painfully dull as 
a melo-drama : yet it cannot be avoided. 

Some weeks subsequent to this, (in January last) I again 
had the honour of an interview with the Great Director in 
his own private room, and in the presence of the gentleman 
already alluded to. Again a proposition was made to me to 
let him see my Married and Single, he still retaining his 
opinion of the utter wortfdessness of Ms own ! ! ! Mr. E. 
even suggested that it might form the basis of a new arrange- 
ment between us. After a long conversation with him, and 
notwithstanding its result was a very considerable augmen- 
tation of my habitual and well-known respect for the Great 
Director, it so happened — (what could I have been thinking 
of at the time ?)— that I once more positively refused to let 
him see that or any thing else of mine. 

The next time I hadthe gratification of beholding the great 
Director was in his own box-office. This happened early in 
February. Few words had passed between us, when Mr. E. 
came round to the old point. Had I any thing for him ? I 
told Mr. E. I had a three-act comedy (at these words the 
great Director, who was writing a letter, put down his pen) — 
but that many points must be settled between us before it 
could be for him. " A three-act comedy, Sir ? that is the 
very thing I want. Dine with me to-day, and let me hear it. — 
Every thing shall be settled to your satisfaction." Now 
remember : a three-act comedy was the very thing he 
wanted ! I declined the honour of his invitation to dinner, 
but — after some consideration— consented to read two acts, 
(the third not then being in a finished state) in the Great 
Director's own room, in his own theatre, at night. 

The important moment arrived. — The Great Director was 
prepared to hear two acts of a three-act comedy — " the 
very thing he wanted ,•" and he was aware that that comedy 
was the very Married o\nd Single (for I told him so ex- 
plicitly and distinctly) which he had more than once desired 



X PREFACE. 

to see — under which same title he had a MS. lying useless 
on his shelves. He was prepared for all this. He heard 
me read the first and second acts of Married and Single, 
word for word, as they are now acted at the Haymarket 
Theatre — the very copy from which I read, being, without 
any alteration, the identical one now used by the prompter. 

I believe I have made this statement so distinctly, that 
it cannot be misunderstood. 

And now I will allow any gentleman a month to guess 
what was the Great Director's first remark at the termi- 
nation of the reading of a three act Comedy, which was the 
very thing he wanted : but since no gentleman can guess it, 
I had better tell. 

" That is all very well, Sir ; hut a three-act comedy is 

OF NO SORT OF USE TO MY ESTABLISHMENT f ! i " 

" And pray, Mr. Elliston, did not you, yourself, tell me 
this very morning, that a three-act Comedy was the very 
thing you wanted ? And was it not, on that very under- 
standing, that I consented to read it to you ? " " Yes, 
Sir, — that's very true— but — in short — a — that is — a — my 
■ — a — opinion ."" 

Now I think this is pretty well for a Great Director of 
a " national establishment ;" but I will allow any man of 
honour a year to guess the Great Director's next remark. 

" Besides, Sir, though you have made many judicious 
alterations, it so happens that I have put my manuscript 
into the hands of a gentleman of genius, who has hit upon 
many of the same."" 

" Indeed ! ! ! and the character of Beau Shatterly ? has 
he happened to hit upon that too ?"" " No, Sir, but — I 
think that a failure— besides we have had that character 
over and over again on our stage." 

" Name one instance, Mr. Elliston." 

I expected, of course, to hear of Lord Ogleby; but 
even this did not occur to the clear-headed great Director : 



PRE PACE. XI 

although he has since told me (when I repeated this to 
him in the presence of other persons,) that he did instance 
Plethora. 

What excuse can be suggested for this I don't know ; nor 
is it for me to invent excuses for Mr. Elliston ; but just 
for the sake of a halt in this long, dull tale (yet long and 
dull as it is I must get through it), pray reader turn back 
to the two lines quoted under the word Preface, and 
after that we will proceed. 

The interview concluded by Mr. Elliston saying, that 
though he admitted my piece to be the best of the two, yet, in 
his JUDGMENT, neither of them could succeed — mean- 
ing thereby, neither the Married and Single now success- 
fully acting at the Haymarket, nor (to use his own words,) 
the " flat, dull, translation"' in his possession. 

Now what if I shew that this " flat, dull translation" — 
the thing thus stigmatized by Mr. Elliston himself, is that 
very same " Petite " Comedy boldly announced to the 
Public, by Mr. Elliston himself, as entitled to peculiar 
consideration on the ground of its " merits ?" 

No sooner was Married and Single announced in the 
Haymarket bills, for performance on Saturday the 17th of 
July, than the Great Director advertised a piece, bearing a 
similar title, for Friday the 16th. To say nothing of this 
as an honourable proceeding, here is a distinct " pledge to the 
public," given by Mr. Elliston. Now did Mr. Elliston 
give that pledge 'knowing that he could not redeem it ? His 
own play-bills of a later date than the one alluded to, prove 
that at the time he gave it, he was not in possession of the 
license, without which, he did Jcnow } he could not act the 
piece. On the day prior to his promised performance, 15th 
July, he announces that his piece " is from peculiar circum- 
stances obliged to be postponed till next week." On Mon- 
day the 19th, the piece is positively announced for the fol- 



Xll PREFACE. - 

lowing Wednesday ; but on Tuesday appears at the head 
of the Elusion play-bills, a long unintelligible jumble of 
words, implying something very like a desire to sneak out 
of the affair altogether. Yet since this jumble seems also 
intended to insinuate something wide of the truth, I shall 
presently take the trouble of picking it to pieces, and ex- 
posing, at once, its dishonesty and its folly. Wednesday 
comes, but brings no Married and Single with it. On the 
day following (Thursday) it is pompously announced that 
" yesterday at two o'clock — (to a man so punctual as Mr. 
Elliston in the " redemption of his pledges," it was, of 
course, important that the public should be apprised of the 
very hour) — the license arrived, 1 ' and that the piece " should 
be produced, if possible" (there seemed something very 
ominous in this " if possible,") " before the close of the 
season." 

Did not Mr. Elliston, at that time, know whether it was 
possible or not ? Did not Mr. Elliston announce, in that 
very bill, the close of the theatre for the following Monday, 
with a specification of the performances for each of the three 
remaining nights, even to a Song ? — Pooh ! Mr. Elliston ! 

However Mr. Elliston is now in possession of the requi- 
site license ; and here is a glorious opportunity for this 
" redeemer of pledges" to redeem one of his own. But no, 
he does not. After wriggling backwards and forwards ; after 
shuffling in and shuffling out, the Theatre Royal, Brydges- 
street, is closed for the season, and the pledge made to that 
public " with whom it is ever Mr. Elltston's pleasure and 
pride to be punctual," — Is unredeemed ! — Fie ! Mr. El- 
liston. 

But T have made a pledge to expose the dishonesty and 
the gross folly of a Brydges-street play-bill advertisement : 
and I hereby proceed to redeem my pledge. The advertise- 
ment is as follows : verbatim from the bill of July 20 : — 



PREFACE. Xill 

« THE NEW PETITE COMEDY, 

Under the Title (which has been adopted at another Theatre) 

OF 

MARRIED AND SINGLE, 

Will be Acted as soon as the Lord Chamberlain's license arrives. 
Circumstances render it proper to explain, that this Comedy has 
been, since November last, in the Manager's possession ; and the 
subject having been previously declined by the rival Theatres, it 
was reserved, from a supposition of the improbability of competition, 
to receive that fair chance early in the next Season, to which its 
merits were thought to entitle it, and which the productions then 
already in a course of success rendered it difficult to give it during 
this. Although the peculiar circumstances which call for the post- 
ponement, will throw back the performance to a period when it must 
appear under every disadvantage; yet nothing but imperious neces- 
sity will prevent Mr. Elliston from redeeming the pledge already 
given to the Public, with whom it is ever his pleasure and pride to 
be punctual." 

Now, what, in the name of Common Sense, is the mean- 
ing of this idiotic, imbecile farrago? I do really acquit 
even Mr. Elltston of the honour of its authorship ; and so 
far from imagining he could have sat down deliberately 
to write such stuff, I am persuaded, that he would scarcely 
have, extemporaneously, gabbled such nonsense, in one of 
his nightly addresses, to his suffering audiences. It conveys 
no direct meaning; and all the insinuations it seems 
intended to convey, are, as far as they are intelligible, 
absolute, downright falsehoods. 

The phrase, u The title which has been adopted at 
another Theatre," insinuates a falsehood. 

The phrase, " The subject having been previously 
declined by the rival Theatres^ (if meant to apply to my 
Comedy) asserts a falsehood. 

The " supposition of the improbability of competition," 



XIV PREFACE. 

can only be the supposition of a blockhead. Mr. Elliston 
himself, I am sure, did not suppose so, for he knew that 
nothing was more probable, since I was at liberty to present 
my Comedy wherever I pleased. 

That Mr. Elliston's Petite Comedy " was reserved" to 
receive that " fair chance, early in the next season, to which 
its merits were thought to entitle it," cannot be true ; for 
I have already stated Mr. Elliston's own opinion of its 
merits, by him, more than once, unequivocally expressed ; 
and, that the thing announced for performance at the 
Brydges-street Theatre, was no other than the "flat, dull 
translation " alluded to, without alteration or improve- 
ment, Mr. Elliston himself assured me, on the evening 
of the 18th July, 1824!!! 

As to the cc productions already in a course of success 
rendering it difficult to give it that fair chance this season," 
(meaning the last) — that is mere absurdity. What has Mr. 
Elliston produced, since last November, to prevent the 
performance of a two-act piece, if he thought it worth per- 
forming? — Nothing*. And during the best and most 
favourable part of the season for the production of novelty, — 

* The following is a list of the 4 Novelties' produced last season 
at the Theatre Hoy Ah,Bry dyes-street," whose course of success ren- 
dered it difficult to give" the " petite" Comedy, in two acts " that 
fair chance of success to which its merits entitled it." 
The Cataract. A Melodrama!— 27th Oct. 1823. 

The Flying Chest. A Pantomime ! ! 26th Dec. 

Kenilworth, A Drama, with Horses ! ! ! 5th Jan. 1824. 

Philandering. An Opera. (Mirabile dictu !) 13th Jan. — — 
Rumfustian. A Burlesque Interlude I !! I 24th Feb. — — 

Zoroaster. Another Melodrama ! ! ! ! ! 19thApril, 

Revolt of the Greeks. Another Melodrama! !!!! ! 10th June, 

One opera, one pantomime, three melodramas, and a burlesque 
interlude constitute the Dramatic labours of the Theatre Royal, 
Brydges Street, for the season 1823-4 ! ! ! 

Theatre Royal ? Patent ? Legitimate ? National The- 
atre ? 

It savours strongly of the Olympic Pavilion and the Royal, 
Circus, does it not, Mr. Elliston ? " But what's bred in the bone"— 
The proverb is somewhat musty ! 



PREFACE. XV 

from the 14th January till the 19th April, a period of 
three calendar months and five days — Mr. Elliston did not 
produce one single novelty, — a Burlesque Tragedy, in One 
Act, excepted. 

For the rest of this choice morsel, about " redeeming 
pledges," — and the public, " to whom it is Mr. Elliston's 
" pleasure and pride," &c. it is — excuse the terms — mere 
play -bill cant and humbug. 

Is it not melancholy to witness the emanation of such pro- 
ceedings from within the walls of a Theatre-Royal, which 
once was Drury Lane ! Where Garrick and Siddons 
and John JKjemble once trod ! Where the genius of 
Sheridan once presided ! A Theatre of which Byron pre- 
dicted better things, and of whose predictions this Mr. 
Elliston himself was made the organ ! * 

Mr. Elliston' s motive for merely announcing the piece — 
for he did not act it after all his " pledges " — is evident. But 
I ask Mr. Elliston upon his honour, whether, had Married 
and Single never been announced at the Haymarket 
Theatre, he would ever have ventured to insult the public 
by the promise of performing what he himself declared to 
be a " flat, dull translation, so vulgar, withal, that, though 
he had bought and paid for it, it was quite useless to him ?" 

Answer this question as you may, Mr. Elliston, I will 
indulge you with repeating those epithets which it seems to 
be generally your ambition, — " your pride and pleasure" — 
to deserve: fair, open, candid, honest, honourable, 
liberal, high-minded, gentlemanly. That you will 
spare me the trouble of appropriating them, there is no 
doubt. 

And so, for the present, good-day to you — Mister — 
Elliston. 

* Has Mr. Elliston" forgotten that he delivered ;Lord J Byron's 
Address at the opening of the new theatre ? 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Beau Shatterly - Mr. W. Farren. 

Bickerton Mr. Pope. 

Melford - - - Mr. Cooper. 

Ferret (a young Attorney) - - - Mr. W. West. 
Scamper (Shatterly's servant) - - Mr. Fining. 
Captain O'Rapper ----- Mr. Lee 

Mr. Cramwell .------ Mr. Coveney. 

Officer - - -„-.-.- Mr. C, Jones. 

Mrs. Shatterly ------ Mrs. C. Jones. 

Mrs. Bickerton ----- Mrs. Glover. 

Fanny ----,---- Mrs. T. Hill. 

Mrs. Cramwell Mrs. Coveney. 

Visitors at Shatterly *s, Servants, fyc. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 



ACT I. 



Scene 1. — A Room at Shatterly's, tastefully 
ornamented — Scamper discovered asleep in a 
Chair at the fireside — Near him is a Table 
with Breakfast. 

Enter Melford. 

Mclford. Scamper ! Scamper ! — What, 
asleep at this time o'day ! 

Scamper. Bless me ! I beg pardon, Sir ; but 
one must sleep at some time in the four-and- 
twenty hours, and your uncle, my master, leads 
such a life that I seldom close my eyes at 
night. 

Mel. At what time did he come home this 
morning? 

Scamp. Past five, Sir; and so it has been 
for months past : yet (as I think) not for any 
great pleasure he has in it, but that the neigh- 
bours, whom he takes good care to disturb by 
his knocking, may set him down for a profli- 
gate young fellow, who keeps bad hours. 
Turned of sixty, as he is, and a married man, 
too, 'tis really too bad. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE 



Mel. Ha! ha! ha!— My uncle, Mr. Gud- 
geonton Shatterly ! poor old gentleman ! I am 
told that, when young and a bachelor, he was 
the steadiest fellow in the universe, and ex- 
hibited nothing of the gaiety and levity of 
youth ; so he seeks a compensation for neg- 
lected pleasures in the affectation of those 
qualities at a time of life when they are an in- 
cumbrance to him, and often lead into scrapes, 
from which, for want of skill and experience, 
he seldom escapes without ridicule. 

Scamp. He dreads ridicule more than death, 
so beware of laughing at him, Sir. Humour 
his whim of passing for a gay, dashing bache- 
lor of five-and -twenty ; swear that Beau Shat- 
terly, Dandy Shatterly, as he likes to be 
called, is the mirror of fashion, and a model 
for the young fellows of the day, and you may 
do with him what you will. 

Mel. Not I : I am entirely dependent on 
him, so I'll say nothing to displease him ; but 
hang it, I'll not flatter his follies. But to mat- 
ters more pressing. Have you seen Ferret, 
the attorney to my creditor Fleece ? 

Scamp. I have, Sir; and this is the sub- 
stance of his discourse : my client wants his 
money; — my client must have his money; — 
my client will have his money. 

Mel. The old song. , 

Scamp. Yes, Sir ; but with an additional 
verse. He has positive orders to proceed 
against you. He says that, for his own part, 
he shall be very sorry — and so forth. 

MeL Sorry ! at the prospect of a good bill 
of costs ! In such cases, though I've met with 
many a sorry attorney, I never knew an attor- 
ney sorry. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 3 

Scamp. I entreated a few days delay, when 
he should be paid ; and assured him that, at 
this moment, you have not twenty pounds in 
your possession. 

Mel. Well! 

Scamp. " That's no affair of mine," said he 5 
<c Mr. Melford must instantly pay principal, 
interest, and costs." " But with scarcely 
twenty pounds," said I, " how is he to pay 
upwards of two hundred ?" 

Mel. Very ingeniously put. That was 
rather a poser ! 

Scamp. Sol thought ; but what think you 
he replied ? That you must raise heaven and 
earth but this money must be instantly paid. 
<( Mr. Ferret," said I — for I began to lose 
patience— " Mr. Melford will be happy to raise 
heaven and earth, overturn the ocean, set the 
four elements at loggerheads, or do any other 
reasonable thing you may propose; but to 
give you money till he has money to give you, 
is a feat very far beyond his skill. Have a 
little patience and your client shall be paid." 
All my eloquence was thrown away, and he is 
determined to proceed. 

Mel. What the devil is to be done ? Should 
my uncle learn that I am in debt, I am ruined ; 
and an arrest would discover all. 

Scamp. No, no ; he thinks you a very sober, 
orderly young man, vigilantly following your 
profession of portrait painter. No, he must 
be the last in the world to know it. But have 
you no friend ? Mr. Bickerton, for instance. 

Mel. What! Bickerton, my intended brother- 
in-law ! He tells every thing to his wife, who 
has no more consideration for consequences 
than a cannon ball ; and to trust her with a 



4 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

secret would be a speedier way of circulating 
it about town than by an advertisement in the 
Gazette. 

Scamp. Why not apply to your friend Cal- 
lous — or Sleek ? You have often assisted one, 
and have helped to advance the fortunes of the 
other. 

Mel. I have doW so, but to no purpose. 
With Sleek, one is always a day too late. 
" My dear fellow, if you had but mentioned it 
yesterday.'' 

Scamp. And Mr. Callous, I suppose, belongs 
to the other set, who do all sorts of kind things 
except the very thing one requires. 

Mel. Exactly. so: " My dear friend, 'tis the 
only thing on earth I'd refuse ; but I make it 
a rule, — I'd refuse my own brother, my father, 
my grandfather." Hang such curs ! for I 
verily believe they would not break their 
amiable rule, were it to save the whole human 
race, their dear selves excepted, from per- 
dition. 

Scamp. That's right, Sir ; rail against those 
hounds who stuff that part of their bosoms 
with cold-blooded rules, which, in nobler 
spirits, like your own, is brimful of generosity. 

Mel. Yet generally have I observed such to 
be exactly those who have fattened and thriven 
on other mens' liberalities. 

Shatterly (without) calls Scamper. 

But hark ! my uncle is stirring. I'll begone. 
You may just sound him and learn whether it 
would be prudent to risk asking his assistance 
in this affair. 

Scamp. I will, Sir. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 5 

Mel. And endeavour to keep a watch on 
Ferret's movements, and bring me word of his 
proceedings to my lodgings. 

Scamp. You forget that your uncle gives a 
grand entertainment this evening, and that I 
have a world of things to do. However, Sir, 
I'll not be idle. But quick — away! 

Mel. Oh, let me but escape the clutches of 
that rascal Ferret, I'll never more place my 
freedom at the mercy of a creditor ; but re- 
nounce my follies, forswear debt, marry, and 
secure my liberty for the rest of my days. 

[Exit. 

Scamp. Marry, and secure his liberty ! — Well, 
between uncle and nephew, a tolerably fa- 
tiguing life I have of it. One prevents my 
sleeping o'nights, t'other keeps me awake all 
day. Then the shifts I am put to, that I may 
assist Mr. Melford without the knowledge 
of 

Shatterly (without) Scamper! Scamper! 

Scamp. Here, Sir. • — Here he comes, the 
plaguy old blockhead ! pale and jaded, after a 
night's revels, yet striving to look brisk and 
sparkling, — like a glass of stale Champagne 
stirred with a biscuit. 

Enter Shatterly. 

Well, Sir, how do you find yourself this morn- 
ing ? 

Shat. Never better in my life ! Merely a 
slight head-ache — stomach rather uneasy — 
nerves somewhat agitated ; but that's a trifle, 
a tribute we young fellows are bound to pay to 
pleasure. We drank consumedly last night. 
Is my breakfast ready ? (sits down at the table.) 

Scamp. What will you eat, Sir ? 



6 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Skat. Nothing. Give me some tea — strong' 
— strong. We dined at the Clarendon, and, 
'gad, we made the welkin ring. Five of us— 
all prime fellows ! Lord Skinflint, the Honour- 
able Bob Flatterton, Captain Cringe, Sir Harry 
Spunge, and, though last not least, Invincible 
Shatterly, as Flatterton calls me. We drank 
pretty freely of those true fountains of wit and 
eloquence, Burgundy and Champagne ; and I 
— 'gad I intended one of the best jokes against 
the Baronet that ever was imagined. 

Scamp. Indeed, Sir! 

Shat. Ha ! ha ! ha ! He happened to talk of 
a certain engagement he had for the evening — 
the fool ! to mention such a thing in my hear- 
ing ! — so I determined to make an example of 
him, leave him under the table, and then — Ha ! 
ha! ha! But Cringe whispering me, that I 
being the best man of the party by two bottles, 
it wouldn't be a fair match, I took pity on him ; 
so, at twelve, we all adjourned. 

Scamp. And high time you should, Sir, 

Shat. We adjourned to the Opera, and there 
I saw — 'gad, and she saw me too. The Colonel 
was with her, looking as black as thunder, for 
he perceived me slyly casting one of my irre- 
sistibles at her. The poor Colonel ! — However, 
we all returned to our quarters at the Claren- 
don, and there with a deviled biscuit and Cham- 
pagne punch, we soberly finished the evening — 
at five in the morning. 

Scamp, (aside) At his expense as usual, I 
suppose. — And who was the sufferer, Sir ? 

Shat. The sufferer ! Each man his share, 
you blockhead. Though Lord Skinflint and 
Sir Harry happening to have left their purses 
at home, and Cringe and Flatterton happening 



Married and single. 7 

not to have any money about them, why — I 
undertook to settle the bill. As Flatterton 
says, I understand that sort of thing better 
than any man in London. 

Scamp. I believe you took the same trouble 
the other day, at the Bedford, Sir. 

Shat. No ; that was the Baronet's affair : we 
dined with him by invitation. 

Scamp. And did Sir Harry Spunge pay ? 

Shat. That I'll swear he did, for I lent him 
the money. Another cap, Scamper. 

Scamp. Ah! Sir, if you would but reform — 
only a little. But night after night — three- 
four — five o'clock ! Why, Sir, your very neigh- 
bours 

Shat. Hang the neighbours. But what do 
they say of me? Come, tell me ; don't flatter. 
I fear they say I'm a damn'd dissipated young 
dog, don't they ? 

Scamp, (aside) Young dog ! — the old puppy. 

Shat. As to the riot on Monday night, that 
was the Captain's fault, not mine ; he must 
needs fling a penny-piece at the gas lamp. 
Confound the inventors of gas-light, say I ; 
there is no doing any thing in the dark now. 
Smash went the brittle, crack went the rattles ; 
the Captain knock'd down one watchman, and 
ran off, leaving me to knock down the other ; 
(rises) but before I could make up my mind 
whether to treat him with a facer, or double 
him up by a cross-buttock 

Scamp. The unscientific rascal knock'd you 
down with a club-stick. 

Shat. Exactly so ; so I gave him a crown to 
pick me up again, and there the matter ended. 

Scamp. Only five shillings for a broken head I 
—You had it a dead bargain I declare. 



8 MARRIED ANI> SINGLE* 



Shat. Why, you sneering dog- 



Scamp. Oh, not I, Sir; you have a right to 
do as you please. 

Skat. To be sure I have ; I'm my own master 
— I'm of age. Has any one dared to insinuate 
that I'm not of age ? 

Scamp. Oh, no, Sir ; (aside) not for the last 
thirty years at least. [A knock at the door. 

Shat. Go, see who's there. {Exit Scamper.) 
I am my own master, though a husband ; and I 
may say, what few married men can, that to 
marriage I am indebted for the happiest event 
of my life — the separation from my wife. 

Re-enter Scamper with a letter. 

Scamp. A letter, Sir. 

Shat. Ah ! ha ! — a female hand ! Tis from 
Julia! (reads) " Dear, but indiscreet Shatterly, 
" the Colonel observed you last night." — I told 
you so. — " A little bill to my milliner — torments 
" me to death ; — twenty-five pounds ; — you are 
" the only soul on earth to whom I could men- 
" tion this little vexation." — That poor thing is 
strangely taken with me ! I don't know why, 
but 'gad so it is. (Looks at the letter again) 
" You are the only soul on earth." This deli- 
cate preference is a proof of her affection : 
whenever she wants money she gives me the 
preference. 

Scamp. Aye, the dear creature! when she 
gives you the preference she wants money. 

Shat. Let Ranter be saddled ; I'll ride to- 
day. 

Scamp. What ! Ranter, Sir ! ' You'd better 
not venture on her again. 

Shat. {angrily) Let Ranter be ready for me 
at my nephew's door in an hour. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 9 

Scamp, (aside) I'll venture to sound him. — 
Ah, Sir ! your poor nephew ! poor Mr. Melford ! 

Shot. My poor nephew ! What the devil 
do you mean by my poor nephew ? He's the 
happiest fellow in the world. He's a bachelor 
— has a fine profession ; I allow him three 
hundred a-year ; he does not owe a sixpence, 
and 

Scamp. True, Sir ; but he's young, and sup- 
pose (I merely say suppose) he had got into 
debt for a few hundreds — four or five — or two 
hundred, or so 

Skat. If I thought he owed as many pence, 
I'd stop his allowance, and cut him off with a 
shilling. Let him follow my example; I 
hav'n't a debt in the universe ; and, unlike most 
other young men of the time, I can snap my 
fingers at the bailiffs, and sally forth in the 
morning without fear of passing my even- 
ing in a sponging-house or a gaol. I hold the 
very thought in abhorrence. 

Scamp, (aside) There's no hope in this quarter. 

Shat. Come, help me to dress. Is every 
thing ready ? 

Scamp. Yes, Sir ; (taking the articles from a 
chair) — calf-stockings, shoulder-pads, stays, 
teeth, false-top and whiskers. 

Shat. Is the drawing-room prepared for the 
evening ? 

Scamp. Yes, Sir; but I am afraid the library 
will be rather dark, unless we put another 
sconce or two there. 

Shat. So much the better ; it will be just the 
thing for the card-tables and old women. Be 
sure you call and remind Wade about the ices 
and supper. I've no notion of keeping one's 
friends half through the night, and sending them 



10 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

away with a lemon-chip and a glass of crema- 
tarta. 'Gad, when Young Shatterly does the 
thing, there's no one in London can do it bet- 
ter. Come, help me to dress. (Sings) 

When did morning ever break, 
And find such beaming eyes awake 
As those that glisten here ? 
Oh, stay ! 

[He is seized with a Jit of coughing ; Scamper 
runs to the table, takes a small box, and puts a 
lozenge into Shatterly's mouth, who goes off 
with an affected activity, and singing ; followed 
by Scamper. 

Scene II. — A Street. 

Enter Young Ferret, followed by two Officers. 

Fer. You neither of you know Mr. Melford, 
you say. 

Officer. No, Sir. 

Fer. Nor do I ; but I'm told he's a desperate 
fighting fellow, and will resist any open vio- 
lence. Now this is my plan : — (Enter Scamper, 
who listens) — I'll call at his lodgings and identify 
his person, while you two, with the writ, will 
remain in the coach at the corner of the street. 
I'll entice him out, by telling him two ladies 
are waiting for him — no doubt he's too gallant 
a man to refuse such an invitation— and then 
we have him quietly. 

Scamp. So, so ! [Exit. 

Officer. That's a mighty fine scheme, Master 
Ferret, yet I think the old plan the best ; (taps 
him on the shoulder) a little business, Sir, if you 
please. Ha! ha! ha! 

Fer. Pooh ! Mr. Melford is an artist, conse- 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 11 

quently a man of taste, and will be delighted 
at being arrested in so ingenious a manner. 

Officer. As a man would like a sound drub- 
bing the better because the stick had a gold 
head to it. But manage it your own way, 
Sir. You law gentlemen are always for taking 
the crooked road, though the straight one be 
the surest. [Exeunt. 

Scene 3. — Melford's Painting Room. — Mel- 
ford discovered at his Easel; after a minute or 
two he starts up. 

Mel. I am not in a humour for painting. 
This confounded threat of Ferret's distracts my 
attention ; an arrest at such a moment would 

be fatal to all my hopes, and 

(A tap at the door, Melford alarmed.) 
Who's there ? 

Scamp, (without.) Tis I — Scamper — open 
— quick, Sir. 

[Melford opens the door. 

Enter Scamper. 

Scamp. Beware — beware of an invitation to 
join two ladies in a coach : 'tis young Ferret, 
with a couple of bailiffs (going.) 

Mel. But explain. 

Scamp. I haven't time. I overheard the plot, 
so beware. 

Mel. What says my Uncle ? 

Scamp. There's no hope of assistance from 
him. He's coming, so get to your easel, and 
appear to be mighty industrious : I must be 
off. [jfiriH 

Mel. Here's a pretty business ! Entrap me 
in this way, the treacherous rascal ! Oh that I 
were married, and secure from the plagues and 



» MARRIED AND SINGLE, 

dangers of a bachelor's life ! A life of liberty at 
the best ; but as for happiness — ah me ! Rise 
in the morning, breakfast alone, read the de- 
bates, kick the pavement in Bond-street, or 
Regent' s-street, and stare for an hour at Mac 
Adam's stone chippers, pick one's teeth in the 
gloomy corner of a chop-house, gape at a Melo- 
drama, or go as harlequin to a masquerade, 
and walk about with one's hands in one's 
breeches pockets, return home, to bed, break- 
fast, and so on to the end of the chapter. But 
married ! a wife, children, a fireside, tea-kettle 
singing, pussey frisking on the hearth-rug I O 
that I were married ! 

Shat. (without.) Very well, I know the way. 

Mel. Here comes my uncle, Beau Shatterly. 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! He looks for all the world like a 
specimen of the dandy breed, stuff' d and dried 
for preservation in a Museum. Yet what an 
enviable old fellow he would be, if he would but 
live with his wife.— (Places himself at his easel.) 
As my favourite poet says : 

" Marriage, of every human good the best I 
" For, blest in wedlock, one is doubly blest.'* 

Enter Shatterly, digest in the extreme of the 
fashion. 

Shat. There he is, hard at work. That's 
the man I envy. Single, free, independent, 
living alone, doing as he pleases, no better half 
to gainsay him. To be sure I live like a bache- 
lor, but then conscience sometimes tells me I 
am married. I am but a counterfeit, a sort of 
Brummagem bachelor, while he is the real 
thing ; I'm a poacher on the manor of celibacy ; 
I'm a swindler, obtaining unmatrimonial plea- 
sures under false pretences. What the deuce 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. I ) 

had I to do to marry ? Marriage is a damper, 
a wet blanket, it paralyses a man's wit, and 
lays his spirit up with a rheumatism ! Oh, that I 
were single again ! for, as my favourite poet 

sa) s : 

66 Marriage, of every human ill the worst ! 
" For, curst in wedlock, one is doubly curst.'''' 

Ahem ! what Harry, Harry Melford. 

Mel. {affecting surprise, comes forward.) 
Bless my soul, Sir, I beg you a thousand par- 
dons. I — I was so intent, — just giving a few 
touches to your portrait. 

Shat. That's right: occupation for a yoking 
man — I mean for a very young man, is — 

Mel. You mean to give me a sitting this 
morning, don't you, Sir ? 

Shat. No, I come merely to remind you of 
my party to-night. It will be a prime thing, 
that I can tell you. You'll meet there — (adjust- 
ing his Nephew s collar.) — A most barbarous 
display ! Here, here's your model, the Shatterly 
cut, my own invention, (looking at himself.) I 
think upon the whole I do, Eh ? 

Mel. (aside) An insufferable old coxcomb ! 
J wish a man might cane his own uncle. 

Shat. Do you know, Harry, I am all impa- 
tience for this evening, and have been for this 
month past. — You shall give me your opinion of 
a certain lady who will be there— -rather turn'd 
of forty to be sure, but then, — that's all. 

Mel. Very well, very well indeed, Sir ; but 
what says Mrs. Shatterly to all this ? 
Shat. Which,— Mrs.— Shatterly ? 
Mel. Your wife ! 

Shat. (aside, with an expression of disgust) 
My wife ! — You know, my dear fellow,— young 



H MARRIED AND SINGLE 

fellows like you and I, my fine fellow — 
damme— 

Mel. Yet, but a few minutes ago, I was 
thinking what a happy man you might be. So 
often too as I have heard you praise her. 

Shat. Aye, she's — she's a capital wife to 
praise ; but praising one's wife, and living with 
one's wife, are very different things I assure you. 
It was my misfortune to marry too young in 
life. 

Mel. (aside) Ha! ha! ha! at fifty, twelve 
years ago. 

Shat. I was a child, a mere baby, damme. 
No man ought to marry till he is sixty, — till he 
has sown his wild oats. 

Mel. Sow at sixty, and what do you expect 
to reap? However, Sir, 'tis your own affair, and 
though the world might say — 

Shat. The world can say nothing. Mrs. Shat- 
terly is of weak health, retired habits, doatingly 
fond of the country, and so — I have an apart- 
ment for her at Kensington. There she is in 
free air, and close to the Royal Gardens — a 
walk fit for an Empress ; and if the Serpentine 
happen to he frozen on the first of January, 
and I happen to be in that neighbourhood to 
skate, I always call and pay her a new-year's 
visit— and what the devil more could any rea- 
sonable woman desire ? 

Mel. 'Tis strange ! you, married, are strug- 
gling for the freedom of a bachelor ; whilst I, 
single, am sighing for the bliss of matrimony. 

Shat. Marry, marry, marry ! a happy mar- 
riage is heaven upon earth, (aside) I never dis- 
courage young beginners ; the more companions 
in misfortune the merrier. — Marry, and when 
once the nuptial knot is tied, you must be hap- 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 15 

py — as all married people are, in common 
decency, bound to be. 

Mel. You are pleased to be merry, Sir. 
Shat. At our age " What should a man do 
but be merry ?" But no, Harry, you are my 
own kin, my own nephew, I wouldn't advise 
you to your harm ; so keep out of the scrape 
as long as you can, my boy. — Ha ! here comes 
Mr. and Mrs. Bickerton. 

Mel. Happy couple ! I look at him and 
would take example. 

Shat. Ah, you fool ! look at me, and take 
warning. 

Enter Mr. ^Mrs. Bickerton. 
Shat. My dear Madam, — (boivs) — Bickerton, 
my boy, delighted to see you. (to Melford) — 
he's the pleasantest fellow in the world. 
, Mrs. B. We come to look at Mr. Melford's 
picture of you. 
Mel. Here it is. 

Bick. Wonderfully like indeed ! 
Shat. Yes, yes, 'tis like — but — 
Mel. But what?— 

Shat. (to the others) Come now, what age do 
I look there ? 

Bick. Why, the age you look here : about 
sixty. 

Shat. Ha! ha! ha! ahem! — The fault is, as 
you say, that it looks consumedly old. 

Bick. True, my dear Shatterly ; but that 
fault is yours, 'tis the painter's merit. 

Shat. Ha! ha! ha! (to Melford) He's the 
most disagreable dog breathing, with his horse- 
play wit. But what say you, Madam ? Com- 
pliment apart. 

Mrs. B. Then compliment apart, — 
Shat. 'Tis too old. I knew you'd say so. 
And for general likeness— come — sincerely ? 



IB MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

. Airs. B. Why, I must say — 

Shat. Perfectly right, Madam. It is not a 
flattering likeness. The ladies are your only 
judges. You must retouch it, Melford, and 
strike off a score years, or so. 

Bick. Spite of the parish register ! — {Aside, 
and twitching him.) 

Shat. Burn the parish register ! Tis a nui- 
sance, a damn'd impertinent invention ! (half 
aside.) If my parents were so absurd as to 
have me christened sixty years ago, 'tis their 
affair, not mine ; I was too young to prevent it. 
But I must be off— my horse is at the door. 
I must take a canter in the Park, and have, 
besides, twenty visits to make. I shall have 
the pleasure of seeing you this evening ? 

Bick. Mrs. Bickerton has already promised 
you. 

Mrs. B. 'Twas your wish, my love. 

Shat. That's well. By the by, I must beg 
of you to lend me a few dozen tea-spoons ; and, 
Harry, you must lend me your new quadrille- 
tunes. But let me see, for fear of mistake — 
{looks at a paper.)— Invite the Wallis's, and bor- 
row their large silver branches ; invite old 
Frimley — don't much like him, but I must 
borrow his great punch bowl ; invite the Ne- 
villes, and borrow — but I can arrange that by 
the way — adieu, till evening. Not later than 
ten. I never boast, but you shall allow that 
when young Hopeful does entertain his friends. 
— Adieu ! (sings.) 

The best of all ways 
To lengthen our days, 
Is to steal, &c. 

{Exit. 
Bick. Young Hopeful ! Ha ! ha! ha! 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 17 

Mrs. B. Ought we to go to-night, my love ? 
You know that Mrs. Shatterly is not in town. 

Bick. Oh, he's an oddity; besides every 
body will be there, and 'tis the rule now that 
nobody need hesitate in doing what every body 
does. But, Melford, you seem out of spirits. 

Mel. Tis nothing- — a slight vexation. 

Bick. No quarrel with Fanny, I hope. 

Mrs. B. To tell you the truth, my sister 
complains that for some time past you have 
neglected her. 

Mel. My sentiments and intentions towards 
my dear Fanny are unchanged, but — 

Bick. I see how it is : you are unwilling, yet, 
to sacrifice the freedom of a bachelor's life. 
Yet what are the highest enjoyments you 
derive from it ? With your own sex, a succes- 
sion of friendships which, usually expire, where 
they were born, in the fumes of the glass ; and 
with the other — I'll answer for it there remains 
nothing, at your journey's end, but a few ring- 
lets, black, brown, or auburn ; a bundle of 
amatory epistles tied with a rose-coloured rib- 
bon ; and a packet of milliners' bills, each 
having at the foot of it a brief, but energetic, 
lecture on your past folly, in the form of a re- 
ceipt in full. 

Mel. Indeed you mistake me ; I am sin- 
cerely anxious to change my condition, but 
just at present, I — I cannot explain, but — 

Mrs. B. Speak freely, we are your best 
friends. 

Mel. Why then— I have a debt which — ! 

Bick. A debt! 

Mel. Be not alarm'd, 'tis the last remnant of 
my follies — a note of hand for two hundred 
pounds. A little economy, a little industry in 



18 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

my profession, will enable me to discharge it ; 
but it is my determination not to take a wife, 
till I am relieved of all other encumbrances. 

Bick. Let not that disquiet you; all my 
loose cash is engaged, but in three or four days 
I shall have that sum at my disposal, and you 
may command it. No ceremony — we are to 
be brothers, you know. 

Mel. That I fear will be too late, for I have 
just been informed that a certain civil gentle- 
man is preparing to receive me as his guest. 

Mrs. B. Who ? 

Mel. One who, when he does me the honour 
of inviting me, will not take " no, 1 ' for an an- 
swer, nor receive a prior engagement as an 
excuse; but, with true English hospitality, 
will insist on my making his house my home 
till the business is settled. 

Bick. You don't mean an arrest ? 

Mel. I do, and so does he, and be hang'd to 
him. Luckily I am aware of his intentions, and 
of an ingenious scheme he has for seizing me, 
so that I trust I shall be able to elude him. 

Bick. You see to what extremities your 
extravagancies lead you. Follow my example, 
marry, (Taking Mrs. Bicker ton's hand,) marry, 
and be happy. 

Mel. To say the truth, the harmony I have 
always observed to exist between you and 
Mrs. Bickerton, has decided me in favour of a 
married life. 

Bick. Our tempers accord. 

Mrs. B. Our wishes, our thoughts are the 
same. 

Bick. Our days roll on in undisturbed 
felicity. 

Mrs. B. My desires are never in opposition 
to Mr. Bickerton's. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 19 

Bick. Mrs. Bickerton's will is mine. Under- 
stand me, Melford ; you must not set me down 
for an absolute Jerry Sneak neither : for, 
withal, I maintain that control, that superiority, 
that steadiness of purpose, so essential to the 
dignity of the character of husband. For in- 
stance, the other day Amelia took it into her 
head that she must have her Box at the Opera. 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! With our income the thing was 
absurd, you know. I remonstrated, she insisted, 
nor did she relinquish the idea, till I compelled 
her, by the interposition of the husband's just 
authority. 

Mrs. B. Authority, Mr. Bickerton ! you know 
that had I chosen to maintain my ground, 
your authority would have gone for very 
little. 

Bick. Come, come, my dear, you are begin- 
ning to talk nonsense. 

Mrs. B. Nonsense ! upon my word, Sir, 
your brutality is insupportable. 

Bick. Brutality, Madam ! Mrs. Bickerton, 
your expressions are most offensive. 

Mrs. B. (bursting into tears.) O, I am an un- 
happy woman. 

Mel. Come, now, drop this unfortunate sub- 
ject, and be friends. 

Bick. Well, I have done ; and, since you per- 
sist, my love, you shall have your Box at the 
Opera. 

Mrs. B. No, my dear; no doubt you had 
good reason for refusing me, and I'll not 
have it. 

Bick. Pooh, pooh, my love, you shall. 
Mrs. B. I won't, so there let it end. 
Bick. We'll speak of this another time, and 
then we shall see who- — 

c 2 



20 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Mel. Silence ! I hear my uncle returning. 

{Enter Shatterly, leaning on Scamper's arm.) 

Scam. I advised you not, Sir, I was sure 
she'd throw you. 

Shat. (perceiving Mrs. B. makes a sign to 
Scamper.) Hold your tongue, confound you. 

Mrs. B. Have you been thrown from your 
horse ? 

Shat. Thrown! N — no, Madam, not abso- 
lutely thrown, I merely fell, as it were. I never 
yet saw the horse that could throw me. 

Bick. But it seems you have seen the horse 
you could fall from. 

Shat. I'll bet you twenty guineas that no 
man in London can fall as I do. Any one may 
tumble, but to glide down with a certain ease, 
a grace — 

Mrs. B. Ha! ha! ha! Well, Sir, I'm glad 
you are not hurt. We must take our leave. 
This evening we meet again. 

Shat. Madam, your Adieu, Bicky ! 

Bick. (to Melford.) Rely on my promise. 

[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. B. 

Shat. (to Scamper.) You may send Ranter 
back to the stable. I — I'll not over-work her 
to-day, for I shall hunt with her on Friday. 

Scamp. Very well, Sir. (to Mel.) Beware of 
of the two ladies, Sir. [Exit. 

Shat. (aside) What's that I hear about two 
ladies. Oh the sly rascal, I suspect — • — Harry, 
I say, Harry, is my man Scamper in your con- 
fidence ? 

Mel. What can he mean ?— Oh, Sir, I have 
no confidences for any one. 

Shat. Come, I guess what it is : describe 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 21 

her to me Is she dark or fair, plump or skinny? 
What's her name ? Where does she live ? 

Mel. You are bantering me. (Aside) I wish 
he'd go, -for I must get out of the way. 

Skat. Ah ! you are a cautious rogue, and 
won't trust me. Well, 'gad, I don't blame you, 
for you would not be the first man indebted to 
Shatterlyfor Ha! ha! ha! 

Md. (aside.) Does the blockhead imagine I 
have a mistress! 

Skat. Come, Harry, a match ; her name ; 
and fifty guineas to a shilling I win her from 
you. 

Mel. If I had such an appendage I should 
dread your experience certainly, for at sixty — 

Skat, (angrily.) Sixty be hanged. The 
sneering rascal. But you are in the right to 
decline it ; for I am not a rival to be despised. 
Well, I'll away. Oh, you may as well give me 
the quadrille tunes, I'll put them in my pocket. 

Mel. I'll fetch them for you, Sir — I shall get 
rid of him at last. [Exit. 

Skat. Sixty ! They are always thrusting 
that in my face, What had my father to do to 
send me poking my nose into the world thirty 
years too soon. And then my wife ! that's some- 
thing else for them to twist me with. Poor 
Mrs. Shatterly! I do sometimes think of her 
though, and wish, for my conscience sake — I 
were a widower. I should like an opportunity 
of being revenged on my sly, sneering nephew. 
The happy, discontented dog ! free, at his ease, 
with a profession which may immortalize his 
name ! (takes up his palette and brushes, and sits 
down at the picture) I can fancy myself in his 
situation. An enthusiast in art! abandoned to 



22 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

the impulse of his genius (he flourishes with a 
brush.) 

Enter Ferret, cautiously. 

Fer. That's our man ! — a portrait painter ! — 
Doesn't look much like a fighter, though ; yet I 
had best act cautiously. Hist ! hist ! Mr. 
Melford ! 

Shut, {starts up violently.) Who's that ? 

Fer. There is something fierce about him, 
too. {Mysteriously) A word if you please, Sir. 
Two ladies are below in a coach, and wish to 
see you. 

Shut. Two ladies ! (aside) this message must 
be for Harry. This is the mystery. (As if 'struck 
by a sudden thought.) 'Gad ! here's an opportu- 
nity ! 'twould be a fine feather in my cap — I 
will — Two ladies waiting for me ? — A young 
one with her mamma, eh? — ■ 

Fer. Hush ! One can't be too cautious when 
a lady is concerned. How can I be sure you 
are the person ? 

Shat You want Mr. Melford, don't you ? 

Fer. Yes, Sir. 

Shat. Then I'm your man. 

Fer. You are Mr. Henry — Tiverton — Mel- 
ford — Portrait Painter ? 

Shat. Yes, to be sure I am. Who else 
should I be ? 

Fer. (aside) 'Tis all right. — Come with me, 
Sir, if you please. 

Shat. Quick ! quick ! Ah ha ! you rogue ! 
Pll teach you to sneer at sixty. What a laugh 
will we have against him this evening ! Come, 
lead the way. 

Fer. (aside) Capitally done! I didn't think 
the bird would have given so easily into the 
snare. [Exit Shatterly, folloivedby Ferret. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 23 

Enter Melford. 

Mel. Here they are, Sir, I have found them 
at last. What ! gone ! his head is so full of 
his entertainment this evening, that he thinks 
of nothing else. — (A noise without, he fastens 
the door.) — Ha!— what can that be! I tremble 
at every sound. — (A knocking)— 'Tis Scamper ! 

Enter Scamper, almost breathless. 

Scam. What ! you here still, Sir ! thank 
heaven, then, all is safe for the present. I have 
had such a fright, Sir ! I saw a bustle at the 
corner of the street, and the people about, told 
me a gentleman had been arrested, and thrust 
into a coach, after a violent resistance. I 
caught a glimpse of that young Ferret — the son 
of the old one — and my heart misgave me. 

Mel. Who was the unhappy man ? 

Scam. Luckily not you, Sir, but some other 
poor pitiable devil. No doubt they were on 
their way hither, when they stumbled on him 
by accident ; and having safely lodged him, 
they'll return and perform the same kind office 
towards you. So away. 

Mel. We'll away by the back door. I'll re- 
ward you, Scamper ; when sober, you are the 
trustiest fellow in existence. 

Scam. You are right, Sir, I'm the very best 
fellow in the world, when I'm sober, and Pm 
ten times a better fellow when I'm drunk. 

[Exeunt. 

END OF ACT THE FIRST. 



24 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 



ACT II. 

Scene 1. — A Room at a Lock-up House — Shat- 
terly discovered, sitting in a gloomy Posture 
— one Candle, having a very long Snuff to it, 
burning on a table at his Side. 

Shatterly {after a pause) By this time my 
friends are assembled at my house, swallowing 
my ices, and devouring my supper ; whilst I, 
the hapless founder of the feast, am twirling my 
thumbs in a spunging-house. What daemon 
put it into my head to be so monstrous frolick- 
some ? Two ladies in a coach, indeed ! The 
ill-looking rascals ! They clap me into limbo, 
and (as I have once answered to the name of 
Melford) they won't let me out again. I cut 
such a ridiculous figure in this business, that I 
dare not send for any acquaintance to speak to 
my person. No; the adventure would be 
blown about town ; the laugh would be against 
me ; gibes, jeers, epigrams, newspaper skits !— 
I'd pay the money ten times over rather than 
encounter it. That profligate dog ! So often as 
I have cautioned him against getting into debt ! 
What might befal him, when I am arrested 
who do not owe a shilling in the world. Yet, 
must I not only pay it for him, but I dare not 
even reproach him with his extravagance, for 
fear of compromising myself. He'd be the first 
to laugh at finding me caught in my own trap. 
{Clock strikes ten.) Ten o'clock ! I hope Mrs. 
Waddy will make no mistake. She owes me 
two hundred pounds, and I have requested her 
to pay it in Melford's name to 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 25 

Enter Ferret. 

Fer. Good news for you, Mr. Melford. Al- 
low me first to snuff your candle. Your 
creditor, Mr. Fleece, has just desired us to 
stop proceedings against you; a lady, Mrs. 
Waddy, having paid him two hundred pounds 
on your account. 

Shat. That's well : and now, Sir, I'll wish 
you good evening. (goi?ig) 

Fer. Stop, Sir ; you can't go. Our client 
knows nothing yet of your arrest, and there 
still remains Thirty -six— fifteen — two, for inte- 
rest, costs, and fees. 

Shat. {going) I'll send you that to-morrow — 
upon my honour I will. 

Fer. I'm an attorney ; I have nothing to do 
with honour, Sir. 

Shat. My dear Mr. Ferret, I have reasons for 
wishing to get out of this place. 

Fer. Most people have, Sir ; but you can't 
go till you have paid up. 

Shat. Now, harkye — just step home with me 
— {Aside) No, that won't do ; I must not let him 
know 'tis my house, or I shall be discovered. — 
Just step with me to the house of a friend, who 
will lend me the money, and — I'll make ycu a 
handsome compliment. 

Fer. Will you ? — But suppose your friend 
should be out ? 

Shat. No fear of that ; he has a large party 
at his house, (sighs) Besides, I am certain 
of finding my friend at home — when I get 
there. 

Fer. Well, I must go and speak to my father 
about it ; I never do any thing without con- 
sulting the old one. 



26 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Skat, (aside) Few of your profession do, I 
believe. Now, be expeditious, for Heaven's 
sake. 

Fer. Tis but a step. You may amuse your- 
self at the grating for a few minutes. You 
have a glimpse of the tops of the trees in Lin- 
coln's Inn Fields, Charming by moon-light. 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! Now, be sure you don't go till 
I return, Sir. [Exit. 

Shat. A pleasant, facetious young gentleman. 
A pretty sample of what I must endure, should 
this affair get wind. 

Enter Captain O'Rapper. 

O'Rap. Sir, I am mighty proud of the honour 
of seeing you. 

Shat. Sir, I — (aside) wish the devil had you. 
The fellow I pushed out of my way as I came 
in. 

O'Rap. Sir, you will not be ignorant of the 
object of my visit, when I tell you what it is. 
Sir, I am Captain O'Rapper ; I find by the 
books of the house that you are Mr. Melford. 

Shat. (aside) I must not deny it. — Yes, Sir ; 
and what then ? 

O'Rap. Pray be calm, Sir. You may re- 
member, Sir, that when you came into this 
pleasant retreat, I did myself the honour of 
welcoming you— -for you are a new comer, and 
I have been meditating here these six weeks — 
and I conceive, Sir, that you made me a very 
uncivil return for my politeness. 

Shat. Zounds, Sir — but 

O'Rap. Pray be cool, Sir ; I am known to be 
the most peaceable man in the world. When I 
am insulted, Sir, nobody so easily satisfied as 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 27 

Captain O 'Rapper ; and all I require of you on 
this occasion is a gentlemanly satisfaction. 

Shat. But, Sir, if you would only 

O'Rap. Pray be temperate, Sir ; there is no 
need to be angry when one is displeased. You 
are a gentleman, as I am informed. 

Skat. But what the devil, Sir 

O'Rap. Enough said, Sir, in all conscience ! 
I am told you will be at liberty to-morrow, and 
so shall I ; and I trust you will find it quite 
convenient and agreeable to meet me at the 
bottom of Primrose Hill, at two o'clock. After 
so long a confinement, a comfortable shot be- 
fore dinner will be quite refreshing. Sir, I 
must now take my leave ; for, at this moment, 
I am down stairs at supper with a friend. O, 
brute that I am! I have left my visitor all 
alone ; and, upon my veracity, it never once 
occurred to me to stay and keep him company 
till I came back again. Sir, your most obe- 
dient. [Exit. 
Shat. Ugh ! a mighty pleasant issue there is 
like to be to my frolic ! What had I to do to 
be jiggeting off with a supposed mistress ? 
Imprisonment is not sufficient, but I must hold 
up my unfortunate thick head for a cool, firm- 
nerved, fighting Irishman to pop at. The next 
thing, I suppose 

Enter a Servant. 

Well — what now ? More debts ? more duels ? 

Serv. Mr. Ferret has sent to beg you'll not 
be impatient, Sir, but he can't be with you 
these two hours. 

Shat. What! — two hours longer! — and my 
company waiting ! I shall go wild ! — Shew me 
into a room where I may get a little rest. Had 



28 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

I been at Kensington, dutifully hum-drumming 
with my wife, this would not have happened. 
Oh ! let me but get quietly out of this scrape, 
and I swear to become the most devoted, the 

most No, I won't swear — it is to be hoped 

matters are not so bad as that yet. 

[Exit Shatterly, followed by a Servant. 

Scene 2. — A Drawing-room at Shatterly's, 
splendidly illuminated — Company passing and 
repassing ~-Card Tables, 8$c. — Music heard. 

Enter Melford ; followed by Scamper, with a 
tray of refreshments. 

Scamp. There is nothing to be uneasy at, 
Sir ; for I dare say your uncle is at his old 
tricks. After kicking his heels at a coffee- 
house, he'll come home at an unseasonable 
hour, and endeavour to get himself suspected 
by his visitors of an intrigue. The ridiculous 
old fop. 

Mel. .Disagreeable as it is, I can't help 
laughing. I am assailed with reproaches for 
my uncle's absence, as if I were to blame for 
it. This comes of doing the honours for him. 

Scamp. Yet I'm sure nothing has been want- 
ing to the comfort of his friends. You have 
kept the trays in motion, that I can say. 

Mel. If my uncle were my locum tenens now, 
• — if he were doing duty for me, I don't think 
he'd perform it with half the good will and ac- 
tivity. Now, Scamper, see that the waiters 
are attentive, send the ices round once more, 
and then let the supper-room be thrown open. 
'Tis past two o'clock. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 29 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Cramwell. 

Mrs. Cram, (to Melford.) Really, Sir, this is 
the rudest behaviour I ever witnessed. Another 
ice, young man. 

Scamp, {aside) The fourteenth ! 

Cram, (taking an ice) Mr. Shatterly ought to 
be ashamed of himself. 

Scam, (aside) Eleven! — 

Mrs. Cram. 'Tis unpardonable. Pray, Sir, 
are we to sup to-night ? 

Mel. The supper-room will be opened im- 
mediately, Madam. 

Cram. 'Tis vastly ungenteel. (they each take 
another ice) I'll quit the house the moment sup- 
per is over, and never enter it again. 

[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cramayell talking to- 
gether and eating. 

Scamp. 'Tis so rude of my master, I wonder 
they don't quit it before. From the moment 
they entered the room, have they been grumb- 
ling at the old gentleman's absence and abusing 
him ; swallowing his ices, cakes, and hot wine 
all the time. [Exit Scamper 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Bickerton and Fanny. 

Mrs. Bick. I'm astonished at your attempt- 
ing to defend him, my love ! 

Bick. His absence cannot be voluntary ; and, 
to a woman of your understanding, my dear — 

Mrs. Bick. That a man of your good sense 
should view his behaviour differently from me ! 

Bick. But, my dear — 

Mrs. Bick. Mr. Bickerton, you talk like a 
iool. What think you Henry ? 

Mel. He's my uncle, and it is not for me to 
say what I think, but — (to Bickerton) at near 



30 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

three in the morning, appearances are con- 
foundedly against him. But come — you had 
better go down at once to the supper-room, 
and secure places ; this way, you'll avoid the 
rush. [All the company rise and exeunt. 

Bick. (giving his hand ceremoniously to Mrs. 
Bick.) You may laugh, Melford ; but I am 
Goth enough on all occasions to give my arm 
to my own wife. 

Mrs. Bick. Ah, Mr. Bickerton, you are the 
most gallant husband, — the most — (he treads 
upon her train) Dear me ! you are as awkward 
as a bear. [Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Bickerton. 

Fanny. My sister and her husband are the 
happiest couple in the world. They never 
quarrel. 

Mel. Sol have observed. But — they some- 
times disagree? They have little bickerings 
now and then ? 

Fan. Bickerings ? Oh, twenty times in a 
day. They'll snap and sputter at each other 
like dear little cat and dog ; but only about 
trifles. On matters of importance though, 
they never disagree. 

Mel. Now, my dear Fanny, when we marry 
we will adopt the opposite plan : we'll reserve 
our quarrels for matters of importance, for 
such seldom occur ; and endeavour to avoid 
little bickerings about those trifles that each 
hour brings with it, and that make up the sum 
of domestic happiness — or misery. 

Fan. That's precisely my opinion. But we 
shall agree as well as most married people, 
I'm certain; for, I do assure you, Henry, I 
have not a fault. A little jealous, that I 
confess. 

Mel. Of all faults the most fatal. But you 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 31 

shall have no cause for its exercise. I am 
now experienced in life : like most young men 
of the world, I have been taught wisdom in 
the school of folly, and I have paid for my edu- 
cation. 

Fan. The only debt perhaps you have ever 
punctually discharged. 

Mel. And my affections are — they ever have 
been — undividedly yours. 

Fan. I am too happy in believing you to 
doubt. 

Enter Scamper with a letter, seeing Fanny, he 
conceals it. 

Fan. What letter is that ? 

Scamp. A letter ! Lord Ma'am, I've no letter. 

Fan. I saw it. But I understand : you dare 
not deliver it in my presence, (going.) 

Mel. Stay, I entreat you. Give me the 
letter. 

Scamp. Here it is, Sir. Tis but a little note, 
I assure you ma'am. 

Mel. Then why not give it me at once, 
Sirrah? 

Scamp, (to him aside) It was sent here from 
your lodgings some hours ago. To say the 
truth, I forgot it till now ; and if I had thought 
you had been engaged with Miss Fanny, I 
wouldn't — 

Fan. Whispering ! — So ! So ! 

Scamp. I'll bring you off, Sir. Madam, I 
assure you, whatever you may think, the letter 
is not from a lady. 

Mel. Confound the blockhead! Give me 
the letter, and get out of my sight. (Scamper 
gives the letter and exit.) A blundering booby ! 



32 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Fan. An awkwardly managed business I 
admit. 

Mel. (looking at it.) Tis nothing that need 
concern you, believe me. I know the hand. 
{aside) 'Tis from Fleece ! 

Fan. Indeed, Sir! that's very satisfactory to 
me. 

Mel. Read it and be convinced, (gives the 
letter.) 

Fan. Well, since you insist — (opens it) Signed 
" Ephraim Fleece " — 

Mel. A man of business — 'tis about a little 
deb.t. (aside) 'Tis better she know that than 
suspect worse. 

Fan. (reads) " I have ordered Mr. Ferret to 
drop proceedings against you" — 

Mel. (surprised) Indeed ! — 

Fan. So ! Well, Harry, I am glad 'tis no- 
thing else. I was beginning to be alarmed. 

Mel. You see 'twas needless. But pray read 
on. (aside) I suppose he calculates he'll gain 
more by waiting my convenience than by an- 
noying me. 

Fanny (reads.) " Drop proceedings against 
" you- — the sum of two hundred pounds having 
f( just been paid me on your account, by your 
" fair — and kind friend, — Mrs. Waddy !" — So, 
Sir, this is your undivided affection, is it? 

Mel. What is this ? I am lost in amazement ! 
(takes the letter.) — " Two hundred pounds — 
fair and kind friend." 'Tis a fiction— a forgery 
— I protest I know no such person. 

Fanny. Thus to deceive me ! But I'll hear no 
more. A lady ! and one who is sufficiently in- 
terested about you to pay your debts ! Fie, 
Mr. Melford ! But I leave you, Sir, and desire 
that this interview may be our last. {Exit. 



MARRIED AXD SINGLE. 33 

Mel. But one word. — She's gone ! What can 
this mean ? Surely 'tis my creditor's hand. — 
Ha ! I have it. Another scheme of that cursed 
Ferret to ensnare me. This letter is intended 
to lull me into security, and render me a more 
certain prey. My poor, dear Fanny ! Ill after 
her, and explain it all. [Exit Melford. 

Enter Shatterly on tiptoe, pale and haggard. 

Shat. Thanks to the bustle among the ser- 
vants, I have succeeded in stealing, unob- 
served, into my own house, like a thief come 
to rob it. And that insatiable young lawyer ! 
He follows close at my elbow till the last shil- 
ling is paid him, like a vampyre thirsting for 
the last drop of my blood. 

Enter Ferret. 

Fer. (putting his head forward and in a whisper?) 
Well, Sir, the Thirty -six-fif teen-two? 

Shat. Ha ! here he is again ! He's like the 
ghost of Bill Jones, in the story — turn where 
I will I see him. My friend is at home 
now, and I'll get the amount for you. 

Fer. I need not remind you, Sir, of the little 
compliment you promised me for my extraor- 
dinary trouble in getting you out to-night. 

Shat. And for your extraordinary dexterity 
in getting me in yesterday. Wait here an in- 
stant, Sir, and you shall be satisfied. (He 
looks cautiously about, and strides off.) 

Fer. On the whole, this Mr. Melford is a 
liberal sort of fellow ; really it does one's heart 
good to arrest such a man. 

Enter Melford, eating an ice, and speaking off. 

Mel. Scamper! more warm negus to the 

D 



34 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

dancing-room. — {seeing Ferret). Ha! I have not 
observed this gentleman before. Allow me, 
Sir, to offer you an ice. 

Fer. {rather confused.) I'd rather not take 
any, thank you, Sir. 

Mel. You had better ; it is excessively warm 
here. 

Fer. {aside.) An ice is no bad thing ; I may 
as well — (takes one from a servant who crosses — 
Thank ye, Sir. 

Mel. I hope you have supped well, Sir, 
though the room was rather crowded. 

Fer. Why, as to supper, Sir, I never take 
any thing but a welsh-rabbit, and to-night I 
have been so busy that I have not supped at 
all. 

Mel. Where there are pretty women to chat 
with, one is, as you say, too busy to think of 
supper. 

Fer. You mistake me, Sir ; mine has been 
more fatiguing work than chatting with pretty 
women. I've been upon my legs all night. 

Mel. Oh, then, you've been down stairs, 
dancing. 

Fer. No, no, I didn't come here to dance. 
Ha! ha! ha! I have been making some one 
else dance, though. 

Mel. (aside.) Confound it ! am I talking to 
a fiddler ?— Are not you a friend of Mr. Shat- 
terly's, Sir ? 

Fer. Shatterly ! Shatterly! I have not the 
honour of his acquaintance. 

Mel. (aside.) Tis so, and be hanged to him ! 
So then you are one of the — (makes a sign of 
fiddling) — fiddling gentlemen ? 

Fer. Zounds, Sir! do I look like a fiddler? 



MARRIED AND SINGLE, 35 

Sir, I am an attorney at law ; I am Mr. Simon 
Ferret, son of Mr. Judas Ferret. 

Mel. (trembling.) Fe — Ferret! Are you Mr. 
Ferret ? 

Fer. I am, Sir, and I didn't come here either 
to dance or to fiddle. I have a little business 
with a Mr. Melford. 

Mel. {lets his glass fall.) You — you are mis- 
taken— Mr. Melford does not live here. 

Fer. I know that : he lives in Leicester 
Square : but he's here with his friend, and I'm 
waiting for him. 

Mel. I — I beg pardon — for leaving you, — - 
but — I've promised a lady for the next dance 
and — (aside) Oh, the persecuting scoundrel ! 
to follow me here ! Tis well he doesn't know 
me. ( runs off) 

Fer. Why, what ails the gentleman! Oh! 
he's in some such scrape himself, I suppose ; 
and the very sight of an attorney or a bailiff, 
operates upon a gentleman in difficulties like 
a fit of the ague. Well, Sir, have you got the 
thirty -six— fifteen — two? 

Enter Shatterly. 

Shat. Here, Sir! — quick! — here is a forty- 
pound note ; the difference is a compliment for 
your — kindness and attention. 

Fer. Don't mention it, Mr. Melford, it has 
been a pleasure to me. Here is your note of 
hand receipted, and a receipt in full for the 
costs. 

Shat. (snatches them, thrusts them into his 
pockety and looks about him with alarm.) Be 
cautious ! (aside) Thank heaven that's over ! 
Though I have made a fool of myself, my name 
is not compromised, so no one will be the wiser 
o 2 



36 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

for it. Now, Sir, let me shew you out this 
way, and you will escape observation. 

Fer. I hope you are satisfied with my con- 
duct, Sir ; and on any future occasion, I shall 
be most happy to — 

Skat. No ceremony, Sir: your conduct, your 
engaging manners altogether on this occasion, 
have made such an impression upon me, that I 
most sincerely hope — 

Fer. (Bows) Sir! 

Skat. I may never have the misfortune of 
beholding that damnable taking countenance 
of yours again. This way, Sir, 

[Exeunt Shatterly and Ferret. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Bickerton and Fanny. 

Bick. (to Fanny.) Be pacified; I dare say 
Melford will be able to explain this to our satis- 
faction. 

Mrs. Bick. Pacified indeed ! how you talk, 
my dear ! Has she not seen the very letter in 
which the woman is named. 

Bick. (angrily) But why not argue the mat- 
ter temperately, Mrs. Bickerton ? I can't bear 
to see any one in a passion 

Fan. He has endeavoured to speak to me, 
but I will never listen to him again, Pm deter- 
mined. Pray let us begone. 

Bick. Now leave this to me. I am persuaded 
there is some mistake. We will send for him, 
and, late as it is, he shall accompany us home, 
and justify himself at once, if he can. — But, as 
I live, here comes Shatterly. 

Enter Shatterly, (he draws back at seeing them.) 

Come forward, Sir; come into the court. 
Now, what have you to t say in your defence ? 



MARRIED AND SINGLE, 37 

Shat. I'll put a good face on the matter: 
any thing will be better than the truth* {Looks 
significantly at Bicker ton and then turn& to the 
ladies,) Ladies,appearances are somewhat against 
me, I admit ; but if you imagine — 

Mrs. Bick. (coldly.) Spare yourself the 
trouble of an explanation, Sir. — Mr. Bickerton, 
have you ordered the carriage ? 

Bick. (to Shatterly.") Seriously, this is too bad. 

Shat. Well, ladies, I throw myself on your 

mercy: (affectedly^) I am a sad young dog, 

that's the truth on't : pardon me but this 

offence, and — 

Mrs. Bick. Your friends are all determined 
to make you pay dearly for this rudeness. 
Shat. (aside.) I've paid pretty well already. 
Fanny. How pale he looks ! have you been 
ill, Sir? 

Shat. (aside.) The best excuse in the world. 
— Well, I had better tell you the truth: that is 
it. Soon after I quitted you yesterday after- 
noon, I was suddenly seized in the street with 
a — a sort of a — 

Mrs. Bick. (to Bick.) He's inventing this, 
A vertigo, I suppose ! But I hope you are quite 
yourself again ? 

Shat. Yes, Ma'am, I am myself again, 
though I was quite a different person for many 
hours. 

Bick. (Ironically.) You have been taken care 
of, I hope ? 

Shat. The greatest : I have been watched 
with the most tender solicitude: The good 
folks of the house where I was carried, could 
not have been more anxious for my safety — if 
two hundred and forty pounds had depended 
on it 



38 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Mrs. Bick. Poor soul ! and had you no pro- 
fessional assistance ? 

Shat. Yes, Ma'am, a lawyer, who — 

Mrs. Bick. A what ! 

Shat. I mean a Doctor — 

Bick, Who bled you, eh ? 

Shat. Yes, he did bleed me, and pretty 
freely too. Indeed, but for that operation, I 
should not have been home yet. But where is 
my Nephew ? Have you seen him here to-night ? 

Bick. Here ! why he has been the very soul 
of the party. You are under great obligations 
to him — he has most ably supplied your place. 

Shat. (aside) And I have acquitted myself 

tolerably well in his. One good turn- • 

Well, Melford is a fine young fellow — an excel- 
lent young fellow ; but 

Fan. But what? 

Shat. He is my nephew — you are my friends ; 
and as his marriage into your family has been 
contemplated, it is my duty to tell you 

Fan. Pray, Sir, explain at once. 

Shat. It will astonish you to hear it : he is 
in debt. 

Bick. Is that all ? Like a man of honour he 
has told me that himself. But how came you 
to know it ? — you, from whom he is so anxious 
to conceal it ? 

Shat. Oh I happened to fall in the way 

of the intelligence. 

Bick. I'm his confidant in the business, and 
know much more about it than you do. (takes 
him aside) Yesterday a writ was issued against 
him. 

Shat. I happen to know that too. But I'll 
punish hjm for his imprudence : He shall never 
have another shilling from me, and — — 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 39 

Bick. Pooh ! pooh ! 'tis a trifle ; to-morrow 
I'll offer my security for him. 

Skat, (aside) I wish he had done so yester- 
day. — No matter, he has disobeyed my strict 
injunction, and I'll never forgive him. 

Mrs. Bick. Hold, Sir ; consider, you your- 
self are an offender ; you have your forgiveness 
to seek from us. 

Shat. To-morrow morning, then 

Mrs. Bick. (pointedly) We invite you, so you 
may be sure of finding us at home. 

Bick. He'll certainly come, unless his vertigo 
should return. Well, good night. But where 
is Melford? 

Fan. No matter. I will not see him. 

Bick. You shall, you shall. We will have 
an explanation from him at once. (To a servant 
ivho crosses) Go, look for Mr. Melford, and tell 
him two ladies are waiting for him in a car- 
riage. [Exit Servant. 

Mrs. Bick. You'll remember. 

Shat. I sha n't forget. 

[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Bick. and Fanny. 

Shat. Vastly agreeable ! So, for no fault of 
my own, I suppose I shall be compelled to ex- 
plain and apologise all round ; to run the 
gauntlet through the whole party, and receive 
a lash of sarcasm and reproach from each as I 
pass. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Cram well, each with a 
Sandwich. 

Mrs. Cram. So, Sir ! here you are at last ! 
Unpardonable rudeness! None but a good- 
natured fool like myself would have conde- 
scended to stay supper. 



40 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Skat. That was very kind of you, madam ; 
but, indeed 

Mr. Cram. It would have served you right 
had we all gone away without eating a morsel. 

Mrs. Cram, (interrupting Shatterly, who is 
about to speak) Don't attempt to excuse your- 
self: you have behaved like a barbarian. 

Mr. Cram. A negro ! 

Mrs. Cram. A Hottentot ! — Young man, call 
up No. 227. {Exit Mr. and Mrs. Cramwell. 

Enter Melford. 

Mel. I have watch'd Ferret out of the house, 
but I'll answer for it he is waiting for me close 
at hand, (seeing Shatterly) What! returned! 
My dear uncle, I will not say any thing to 
wound your feelings — it is not for me to re- 
prove you : why you have absented yourself — 
where, or how you have pass'd the night, is 
your business, not mine. 

Shat. A-hem ! 

Mel. But this I must say 

Shat. Confusion ! — and he, too, of all people ! 
— Let me tell you, Sir, that you alone are to 

blame for (checking himself) You are to 

blame to accuse me, till you know soinethiypig 
of the cause. 

Enter Servant. 

Serv. (to Melford) I have been looking for 
you, Sir ; I am desired to say that two ladies 
are waiting for you in a carriage. 

Mel. (alarmed) Two ladies ! 'Tis that rascal 
Ferret. 'Twas for this, then, he came here. 
How shall I escape ? — My dear uncle, I must 
= No, I dare not confess it to him. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 41 

Shat. Why, what's the matter with him? 
Mel. (to the Servant) Who sent you with the 
message ? 

Serv. A gentleman of the company, Sir. 
Mel. Aye, one who just left the house ? 
Charming company ! What am I to do ? Ha, 
I have it. I'll escape the rogue yet. {He tears 
a leaf from his pocket book, and writes ; during 
which time Scamper enters and extinguishes the 
lights.) " You are a couple of charming 
" creatures, and a corner in a carriage at five 
" in the morning is a tempting offer ; but since 
" I am apprised of your tricks and schemes, 
" you will not be astonished at my determi- 
" nation to enjoy my liberty a little longer." 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! There, give this to the ladies — 
with Mr. Melford's compliments. [Exit Servant .] 
Now, while Ferret and his ladies are waiting for 
me at the front of the house, I'll make my escape 
at the back, (going) 

Shat. Stop, Sir. — (Aside) No, the explanation 
will be too long at this time. — Meet me to- 
morrow early, at Bickerton's ; I have some- 
thing most important to say to you. 

Mel. I'll join you there at breakfast. For 
the present, my dear uncle, adieu. 

[Exit Melford. 
Shat. (looking after him) That young man will 
come to an untimely end. — Well, 'tis useless to 
think more of it now. — Harassed, weary, 
famished ! I've not tasted any thing since 
yesterday at breakfast. — Scamper ! Scamper ! 
Scamp, (comes forward) Bless me, Sir! why 
where have you been ? 

Shat. What's that to you? Never mind. — 
Am I to hear a lecture from him too ? — Is the 
company all gone ? 



42 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Scamp. Yes, Sir. 

Shat. Then give me a mouthful of supper, and 
I'll go to bed. 

Scamp. Dear me, Sir, I'm very sorry, but 
there is not a morsel of any thing in the house. 

Shat. What! wasn't a supper sent in for 
forty, at half-a- guinea a head ? 

Scamp. Yes, Sir ; but after the company had 
done, the fiddlers and servants set to, and, as 
usual, they have left a clear pantry ; there is 
not so much as the leg of a fowl remaining. 

Shat. Then give me a glass of wine, and a 
crust of bread and cheese. 

Scamp. Dear me. Sir, I'm very sorry, but 
your nephew, who did the honors in your ab- 
sence, ordered all the wine that remained to be 
made into negus — and all the negus is gone. 

Shat. So, then, I'm to be starved to death 
in my own house, where threescore people have 
been feasting at my expence., I sha'n't live to 
be shot in a duel with Captain O'Rapper to- 
morrow. This has been an agreeable night on 
the whole. Scamper, give me a light, and let 
me go to bed. 

Scamp. Dear me, Sir, I'm very sorry 

Shat. What's the matter now ? 

Scamp. Your nephew ordered your bed to be 
taken down, to make room for the whist-tables, 
and — • — 

Shat. Get out of my sight ; and if my nephew 
has left two chairs and a table in my house, put 
them together, that I may rest my weary limbs 
upon them. [Exeunt. 

END OF ACT IT. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 43 



ACT III. 

Scene 1. — A room at Bickerton's. — Mr. and 
Mrs. Bickerton, and Mrs. Shatterly, 
discovered at breakfast. 

Mrs. Bick. My dear Mrs. Shatterly, be pa- 
cified ! 

Mrs. Skat. Pacified ! — Is it to be borne ? 
While my husband, the profligate, is revelling-, 
and squandering his money on his own idle 
pleasures ; while half the town are feasting 
and dancing in my house, — mine! — is it to be 
borne, that I, his wife, his lawful wedded 
wife — ? 

Mrs. B. But be calm, my dear Madam. 

Mrs. Shat. Calm, indeed ! fiddle-de-dee \ 
suppose it your own case, Mrs. Bickerton. 
The old, hard-hearted, cruel, monster !— But 
I'll bear it no longer. I have relations — 
military relations ! with two militia captains in 
my family, let Mr. Shatterly look to it. 

Bick. Pardon me, my dear Mrs. Shatterly; 
but I am always for gentle measures. Besides, 
Mr. Shatterly says — not that ever I interfere 
between man and wife — but Mr. Shatterly 
does say that in providing for you a country 
retreat, he has merely complied with your own 
taste. 

Mrs. Shat. A country retreat, indeed ! a 
smoky back parlour at Kensington, a country 
retreat! While he is enjoying all the amuse- 
ments of the town, there am I, from week's-end 
to week s-end, squatted down to penny whist : 
except, indeed, when I take my poor poodle an 
airing in the gardens. 



44 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Mrs. B. Patience, my dear, patience : for 
after all — though I never meddle in family 
disputes — I do think that with so liberal a 
maintenance as Mr. Shatterly allows you — 

Mrs. Shat. Liberal ! — they'll drive me mad ! 
(rises and comes forward,) This comes of appeal- 
ing to one's friends ! Liberal ! a paltry two hun- 
dred a year ! and even that I am obliged to 
dun him for. But no wonder he cannot find 
money for his poor, lone, lawful wife, when he 
lavishes on a single entertainment more than — 

Mrs. Bick. If you allude to last night indeed 
— though heaven forbid I should say anything 
to make you uneasy — but such profusion ! as I 
said to Mr. B. it is to be hoped he can afford it. 

Bick. Ah ! — well ! — end how it may, we, as 
his friends, grieved to witness such extrava- 
gance. 

Mrs. Shat. (aside.) Their grief did not spoil 
their supper, I'll be bound for it. But no mat- 
ter :—- the world shall be informed of his con- 
duct. 

Bick. No rash resolution : hope rather for a 
reconciliation ; and, in case of such an event, 
pray let me advise you — not that I believe half 
that the world says — 

Mrs. Shat The world says ? and of me ? 

Mrs. B. Pshaw ! — a trifle ! — besides, we are 
the last to listen to such reports. Ah ! — (taking 
Bickertons hand.) temper, temper is the secret 
of preserving a good understanding between 
man and wife. 

Mrs Shat. Well, Ma'am ! 

Mrs. Bick. In short, my dear, people do 
say — not that ever Ijrepeat ill-natured stories — 
that your temper was the original cause — 

Mrs. Shat. My temper ! 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 45 

Bick. My love, you are wrong : what I al- 
luded to was merely what certain persons 
hinted respecting Mrs. Shatterly's habits of 
expence. 

Mrs. Shat. Expence ! 

Mrs. Bick. That's right, Sir, contradict me. 
I insist 'twas her temper they complained of. 

Bick. My love, 'twas her extravagance. 

Mrs. Bick. 'Twas her temper, Sir. 

Bick. Her extravagance, Madam, and I pro- 
test I am right. 

Mrs. Shat. And I protest you are both in the 
wrong; and surely I ought to know best 
{Bick. and Mrs. Bick. walk up the stage.) But 
this comes of going about seeking advice and 
consolation. The most mortifying consequence 
of one's [mishaps is this affected sympathy of 
certain " best friends." 'Tis, after all, but a sly, 
pettifogging, cowardly, compound of slander 
and vanity : For while, as your friends, they 
lament you into the possession of every failing 
under heaven, they artfully imply the existence 
of every opposite virtue in themselves. 

Bick. There, my dear, there's an end of it. 
(coming forward.) 

Mrs. Shat. As to my extravagance I'll say 
nothing : as to temper, if I do not profit by 
your precepts, your example, I trust, will not 
be lost upon me. But I'll go to Mr. Shatterly 
instantly ; I'll bring him to his senses, I will. 
I'll turn over a new leaf. I'll give routs, I'll 
give balls, suppers, and masquerades ; and if 
he is to be ruined by extravagance, it is but 
decent and proper that his lawful, wedded 
wife, should share in the pleasure. So good 
morning, my dear friends. 

[Exit Mrs. Shatterly. 



46 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Mrs. B. Poor thing ! one must say some- 
thing civil in these cases: but there are faults 
on both sides, I dare say. 

Bick. Temper! temper! temper! And now, 
dear, I have a request — 

Mrs. B. A command, you mean! I am a 
poor submissive fool, so, be it what it may, 
except to receive Mr. Melford— 

Bick. And that is precisely what I meant to 
ask. 

Mrs. B. As to that, my love — never. Even 
presuming that he can give a satisfactory ex- 
planation about that Mrs. Waddy, what can 
excuse his insolent note to us last night. — 
" Tricks and schemes?" indeed ! 

Bick. But, in justice to him, let us hear — 

Mrs. B. Pray say no more, Mr. Bickerton ; 
no wonder my poor sister is too ill to join us at 
breakfast this morning. To be so insulted — 

Bick, I have done, my love ; yet I must say — 

Mrs. B. Harkye, Mr. Bickerton ; you know 
I never contradict you in matters of import- 
ance ; but if you will not order the servants to 
deny us to Mr. Melford, why I must. 

Bick. Madam, there must be but one master 
in a family, and therefore — 

Mrs. B. Well, Sir !— 

Bick. The order must proceed from me, my 
love. [Exit. 

Mrs. B. You may enjoy the honour of the 
executive, my love ; but the power of legisla- 
tion shall be mine, or — I'm no woman. [Exit, 

Scene 2. — A Room at Shatterly'^ 
Enter Shatterly. 
Shat. I haven't closed my eyes all night. 



MARRIED- AND SINGLE. 47 

Scheming, planning, and plotting, but all to no 
purpose. I cannot, for the soul of me, devise 
any plausible reason for my rascally nephew, 
why I should suddenly have taken it into my 
head to pay a debt for him, when I have so 
often vowed — yet, know it he must. Shall I 
tell him the truth ? A pretty story it would 
make, truly ! " Your uncle must needs be 
" frisky and frolicksome, my dear nephew ; he 
" assumes your name, determined to whisk 
" away your mistress ; the blushing beauty 
" turns out to be a strapping bailiff; your 
" young scape-grace of an uncle is arrested in 
" your stead, clapt into a spunging-house in 
" your stead, compelled to pay — " The mer- 
ciless dog would make me the town jest. Then 
I have a duel on my hands : but that's a trifle 
in comparison. I am not bullet-proof; yet 
have I such a dread of ridicule, that, upon my 
soul, Fd rather be shot at than laughed at. 
Ah, me ! if I survive the difficulties and dan- 
gers of this day I'll turn hermit — I'll reform — 
I will, though half the fine women in town cry 
their eyes out for me. 

Enter a Boy in livery. 

Boy. A letter from my mistress, Sir. 

Skat, (smirking.) Another letter from Julia. 
Reform, indeed ? 'Gad, if they will persecute 
me in this way— (reads.) " Beloved,- — no answer 
to my application of yesterday — fearful you 
are unwell." Poor, fond fool ! — " Will call 
" upon you in the course of the morning." — A 
decided conquest : but 'tis resolved, and she 
shall be the first victim (puts the letter leisurely 
into his pocket, and hums a tune) — My compli- 
ments— (aside) — thatYbitter cold-— I'll write to- 



48 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

morrow, or next day, or in a week perhaps. — 
(Exit Boy.) Poor devil ! I pity her from the bot- 
tom of my soul. Breaking women's hearts is 
barbarous work at the best — (a loud knocking) 
— Ah ! 'tis she, perhaps ! But I have no time 
to spare, so 111 out this way and avoid her. 

[Exit Shatterly. 

Enter Mrs. Shatterly, followed by Scamp. 

Mrs. Shat. Out, indeed ! and at this early 
hour ! I'll not believe it. 

Scamp. Madam, I do assure you he is {aside.) 
What brings her here ? 

Mrs. Shat. Harkye, Mr. Scamper ! I believe 
you to be my husband's aider and abettor, his 
counsellor in his wicked proceedings. 

Scamp. His counsellor, indeed, Madam, but 
only to his duty. I endeavour to guide his 
young and tottering steps in the paths of virtue. 

Mrs. Shat. Young ! Aye, there it is ! His 
ridiculous affectation of youth, that most con- 
temptible of all follies, is the main spring of 
his misconduct. But he can't deceive me ; no 
one knows better than I do what an old fellow 
he is. 

Scamp. But may I enquire, Madam, why 
you, who have not been in this house these two 
years — 

Mrs. Shat. No doubt my visit surprises you, 
as it will your worthy master. But he disre- 
gards my letters, he has neglected to send me 
my last year's allowance, and — 

Scamp. Oh ! I perceive : you want some 
money ma'am ! {aside) His very wife too wants 
money of him ! 

Mrs. Shat. And have it I will ; so if, as you 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 49 

say, he is not at home, you, who are Mr. Shat- 
terly's right hand, must — 

Scamp, Whichever hand I may have the 
honour of being to him, I assure you, Ma'am, 
I am not the hand he puts into his pocket. 

Mrs. Shat. I see how it is. Like Master — 

Scamp But had you not better write to him 
once again. 

Mrs. Shat. No. {takes a chair) I'll not quit 
this house till I have seen him. 

Scamp. O lord ! — Excuse me Madam : I think 
you had better not wait here. My master you 
must know, lives a sort of bachelor's life, and 
it might happen — I merely say it might so hap- 
pen that — unpleasant visitors — 

Mrs. Shat. {starting up) Lord bless me ! I 
should faint at the very sight of such a thing, 
Let me out, Mr. Scamper, let me out. the 
monster ! {walks about) But, no ; on second 
thoughts here I'll remain. Go, seek him. — You 
know his haunts, I dare say. Tell him I am 
here, and let him tremble. 

Scamp. I'll endeavour to find him ; and, if I 
succeed, what am I to say, Ma'am ? 

Mrs. Shat. Say— that he's a wretch ! 

Scamp. Sir, you are a wretch ! 

Mrs. Shat. A monster! {at each phrase Scam- 
per bows assent) that I'll tear his eyes out ; that 
I hate, loathe, and despise him. 

Scamp. And despises you. Now upon my 
life that is very fine — the true sublime ; but it 
won't do. With submission, Ma'am. I think 
that something more to the point would please 
my master better. You want mcney. How 
much ? 

Mrs, Shat. Two hundred pounds 

E 



50 MARRIED AND SINGLE, 

Scamp. Two hund—His own wife too ! Well, 
Ma'am, I'll tell him. 

Mrs. Skat. Two hundred ! And let him 
dare send me a guinea less. I'll wait your 
return, in the library. 

Scamp, (aside) What will he say ? The real 
Mrs. S. asking for two hundred pounds. 

Mrs. Shat. The unfeeling wretch ! So good 
a wife ; so faithful, kind, and gentle a wife ; — 
but I'll expose him all over town ; 111 
break his heart yet ; I will, though it be made 
of adamant. [Exit. 

Scamp. Gentle soul ! When such are a 
wife's temptations, what husband would hesi- 
tate to return to his duty. This way, Ma'am. 

[Exit. 

Scene 3. — Before Bickertons House. 

Enter Shatterly. 

Shat. My nephew not at home. See him I 
must, to prevent the affair getting wind. He's 
at Bickerton's perhaps, (goes towards the door) 
But here comes Scamper. What can he 
want ? 

Enter Scamper. 

Scamp Ha ! 'tis luc^y I have found you, 
Sir. 

Shat. Why, what's the matter ? 

Scamp, (aside) How shall 1 break it to him ? 
He's in a plaguy ill-humour, and this unex- 
pected visit of his wife's won't improve it. 

Shat. Well, what do you stand gaping there 
for ? Why don't you speak ? 

Scamp. I have a surprise for you, Sir. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 51 

Skat. Ha! I have lived in a surprise since 
yesterday. Well? 

Scamp. There's an unexpected visitor at 
home. 

Skat. Who? Who? 

Scamp. A lady, Sir. 

Skat. 'Twas she then ! — I heard her knock, so 
went out to avoid her. 

Scamp. Indeed ! Now really, Sir, if I may 
take the liberty to say so, you are not behaving 
well to her. 

Skat. She complains of my neglect and in- 
difference I suppose. 

Scamp. Bitterly ! and then, Sir, her last year's 
allowance. 

Skat. What ! an allowance ! from me ! The 
impudent baggage 

Scamp. Oh fie, Sir, don't call names. 

Skat. Pretend to an allowance! Why I 
don't allow her threepence a week. This de- 
termines me. I'll cut the connexion altogether. 

Scamp, (aside) Now upon my life he's grow- 
ing too bad. Allow me, Sir : she's in a furious 
passion, and threatens to expose you all over 
town. Now, to prevent scandal, follow my 
advice : send her the two hundred pounds she 
desires, and — 

Skat. Two hundred ! 

Scamp, (aside J I knew how it would be. 
Aye, Sir, two hundred is the word, and she 
won't be satisfied with a guinea less. 

Skat. Well, egad this is — (walks about) Two 
hund — Paying a milliner's bill, or so, is very 
well ; but two hundred in a lump ! (takes out 
his pocket-book and gives Scamper a note) Here 
Scamper, I must cut; I must cut, Scamper. 
Here, give her ten pounds ; send the saucy 

£2 



52 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

jade about her business, and let me hear no 
more of her. 

Scamp. Lord Sir! pray Sir, consider; she 
vows she'll go about to all your friends, and — 

Skat. Tell her she may go to the devil. Be- 
gone ! I see my nephew coming, and have 
business with him. 

Scamp Well Sir, I — poor Mrs. Shatterly ! 
I feared how it would be. 

Enter Melford. 

This is no time to speak to him about money. 

Mel. Luckily, I do not need. Bickerton 
will arrange with Ferret this morning, so I'm 
out of danger. 

Scamp. His poor wife too ! Ten pounds, and 
a message that would cut through a mill-stone. 
{Shatterly signs) I'm gone, Sir. 

[Exit Scamper. 

Mel. Well, Sir, at parting last night, you 
desired an interview. 

Skat, {endeavouring to assume an air of compo- 
sure) Harry — Melford — I — {aside) May I be 
hang'd if I know how to tell him. 

Mel. {aside) What is he driving at ? 

Skat. Harry — you — you are in debt — no 
denial — I — I happen to know it. 

Mel. {aside) 'Tis discovered, and I am ruined. 
Weil, Sir, I confess it. But how came you to 
make the discovery? 

Skat, {aside) Ha ! Now what tale shall I 
invent ? — Why — but that is not to the point. 
You are in debt. 

MeL I suspected you knew it, when I saw 
young Ferret at your house last night. 

Skat. You saw him ! (aside) Am I exposed 
then ? Pshaw ! you mistook ! It could not be. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 53 

Mel. I am positive of it. 

Shat. Did you — did you speak to him ? 

Mel. We had a long chat ; we sipped an ice 
together ; but luckily he didn't know me. 

Shat, (affecting a laugh) Very comical ! Did 
he tell you any thing ? 

MeL Yes. (Shatter ly agitated) He told me he 
was waiting there for Mr. Melford — meaning 
me. 

Shat. Was that all ? 

MeL All ! Egad, I thought it quite enough, 
so away I ran. 

Shat. (aside) All's safe! He knows nothing. Ha! 
I have it. I'll make a merit of necessity, and gain 
the credit of having done a generous action. 
Harry, you know I have often cautioned you 
against getting into debt. 

MeL (aside) Now for it. 

Shat. I am greatly annoyed at it; cruelly 
annoyed — if you knew all ; but promise me 
that you will so offend no more, and I'll settle 
this matter for you. 

MeL You, Sir ! Here's a change ! 

Shat. Principal, interest, and costs. 

Mel. My dear uncle — this unexpected kind- 
ness — this spontaneous act of generosity — 

Shat. Spontaneous, fiddle sticks — Sponta- 
neous ! But on this condition Harry : that you 
ask no questions, and see no more of Mr. Fer- 
ret, but leave ali to me. 

Mel. Well, Sir, of course I shall not refuse 
your bounty, but as my friend Bickerton has 
undertaken to see Mr. Ferret this morning — 

Shat. Bickerton! Not for the world, (aside) 
All would come to light. No, Til not allow 
any one to interfere. I'm not the boy to do 



54 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

things by halves. I'm determined to keep all 
the pleasure of this business to myself. 

Mel. Well, Sir, since you insist — 

Skat. Peremptorily I And now, Harry, do 
you owe any thing more ? 

Mel. Not a shilling, Sir. 

Shot. Because, I'd rather you'd tell me than 
leave the discovery to me again. I'd sooner 
pay all for you than — 

Mel. Indeed, Sir, this is the last. 

Skat. That's well, and pray, pray never get 
into debt again (aside.) There ; discovery is 
now impossible. 

Mel. (taking Shatterly's hand.) Uncle, you 
are an excellent old — an excellent fellow. But 
was it kind to threaten, as you did yesterday, 
to supplant your nephew in the favour of his 
mistress ? 

Skat. Pshaw! That was in jest. Besides since 
yesterday I have had leisure for reflection : and 
you might have as many mistresses as the 
Great Mogul, yet the devil a one of them 
would I ever elope with, (looks at his watch 
aside) It is time to think of my friend O 'Rapper. 
How I shall get over that ! — Well, Harry, I'll 
away at once. 

Mel. So you are determined my friend Bick- 
erton shall not interfere. 

Shat. Poz ; so set your mind at ease. When 
Shatterly undertakes to serve another young- 
fellow in this way, (slyly draws a paper from Ids 
pocket.) 'tis as if he already had a receipt in 
full in his pocket. [Edit. 

Mel. With all his follies, he is a kind old 
fellow, and by doubting his generosity I have 
wronged him. Notwithstanding his abhorrence 
of debt, the instant he discovers I am in diffi- 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 55 

culties, he volunteers his assistance. So dis- 
interestedly, so delicately too ! Now to my dear 
Fanny. Doubtless she is as impatient for an 
interview as I am. {knocks.) A word will dis- 
pel her apprehensions respecting that Mrs. 
Waddy, and, being at length a freeman, I will, 
at once, constitute myself her slave for ever. 

[Exit. 

Scene 4. — A room at Bickertox's. 

Enter Mr. and Mks. Bickerton, and Fanny, 
followed by a servant. 

Mrs Bick. Mr. Melford indeed ! we are not 
at home. 

Bick. My love, wouldn't it be better — not 
that you are wrong — but — 

Mrs. Bick. I understand, Sir; you are master 
in your own house, but in this I must be 
peremptory. 

Fanny. My Sister is right. Yet — I should 
like to hear what excuse he will find for his im- 
pertinence* Ha ! ha ! ha ! Not that it concerns 
me, for I have done with him for ever, and shall 
treat him with perfect indifference. Ha! he's 
here ! [Exit servant. 

Enter Melford, 

Mel. {gaily.) My dear Fanny — Mrs. Bicker- 
ton — 

Mrs, Bidk. I am astonished at your assur- 
ance, Sir. 

Fanny. I cannot look at him. 
Bick. After what has occurred, Sir— 
Mel. What means this ! — this is a reception — 
Fan. You must have expected, Sir. 



56 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Mel. And do you still credit that ridiculous 
tale about a Mrs. Waddy, after the explanation 

Fan. It is not that, Sir ; our tricks— our 
tricks and schemes — 

Mrs Bick. (to Melford who appears lost in won 
der) Are you acquainted with this writing, Sir ? 

Mel. 'Tismine! 

Mrs. Bick. Matchless impudence! Then you 
confess — 

Mel. That I wrote it, certainly. But how 
comes it that you — Ha ! Tell me one thing ? 
Did you send to offer me a seat in your carriage 
last night ? 

Bick. Yes. 

Mel. My dear Bickerton — Fanny— confound 
it, what a blunder! And yet— ha! ha! ha! — 
That rascal Ferret. My head running on the 
scheme I told you of, I fancied the message 
was from him, sent this answer to it, and made 
my escape. 

Fan. And is this true, Harry ? 

Mrs. Bick. So, so ! there's your " perfect 
indifference," my little sister. 

Mel. Could you believe me capable — I 

Fanny* But, Harry — that lady — that Mrs. 
Waddy - 

Mel. Pshaw ! my friend Bickerton knows 'twas 
all a trick ; and here again — (sheivs a letter.) Yes- 
terday 'twas an affair of gallantry, now 'tis an 
affair of honour. 

Fanny. Heavens ! A challenge ! — 

Bick. But this is a serious business ! 

Mel. Very serious. Don't you see through 
it ? — One captain O'Rapper, a man I never saw 
in my life, writes to request I will wait on him 
at Mr. Holdfasts' in Carey Street, that he may 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 57 

explain why he cannot meet me at Primrose 
Hill, this morning, as agreed. But this snare 
of Master Ferret's is too palpable. 

Bick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Well, I have put an 
end to his scheming : finding I can advance the 
sum at once, I have sent for him, and expect 
him here every minute. 

Mel. Thankye! thankye ! But my uncle Shat- 
terly has volunteered to settle the business for 
me. Indeed, I parted with him at your door, 
on his way to Ferret's. 

Bick. Indeed ! such liberality ! and unsoli- 
cited ! kind-hearted fellow. Well, you see, we 
ought not to be hasty in deciding on the cha- 
racters of men. 

Servant enters. 

Ser. Mr. Ferret, Sir ! 

Bick. There, you see Shatterly has not been 
with him yet. (gives notes) Take this, and satis- 
fy him at once. No objection — I insist, Shat- 
terly may arrange with me instead. 

Mel. But his injunctions that no one should 
interfere — 

Bick. What can that signify ? Bid Mr. Fer- 
ret walk up, [Exit Servant. 

Mel. Aye bid him walk up. I long to look 
this man of terrors in the face. Yesterday, the 
very sight of him would have endued me with 
speed to out-run the Antelope ; the very sound 
of his name — Pshaw ! I did it wrong ; 'tis a very 
pretty name : Ferret, Ferret, Ferret, Ferret : 
a very genteel name, a very harmless name, a 
very— 

Enter Ferret. 

Ha ! my mighty little engine of the law ! I 



68 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

dare say you won't believe me ; but you are of 
all others, the man I wish to see. 

Fer. (bows.) Sir : — The gentleman who so 
politely offered me an ice last night ! — I hope 
you are recovered, Sir. 

Mel. Quite out of danger {shewing notes) and 
here's my remedy. 

Fer. Eh! beg pardon, Sir, I'm in haste. A 
Mr. Bickerton wished to see me : are you the 
gentleman ? 

Mel. Am I ? — Ah, you are a sly, jesting 
rogue. These {shewing notes) a week ago, would 
have spared your inventive genius a world of 
exercise (Ferret looks amazed.) And how is 
Captain O' Rapper? 

Fer. Captain O' {aside.) This young 

man is non. com. 

Mel. A desperate dog, eh ? Primrose Hill ! 
Ten paces. Pop. 

Fer. Pop ? — Now what can he mean by pop ! 
But to business, gentlemen ! Marriage articles ? 
Articles of separation? Last will and testament? 
I shall be happy in any way to — 

Mel. Here ! give me a receipt in full, and 
present my compliments to Captain O 'Rapper. 

Fer. Receipt in full ! On whose account, Sir? 

Mel. Of a dear friend of mine — Mr. Melford. 

Fer. In the case of Fleece versus Melford ? — 
That's settled, Sir. 

Bick. So, Shatterly has lost no time. By a 
gentleman this morning ? 

Fer. No, Sir, by a lady, last night. 

Mrs. Bick. Last night ! 

Fanny. And the lady's name? 

Fer. Mistress — -Mrs. — - 

Fanny. Mrs. Waddy. 

jffer. That's the name, Ma'am. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 59 

Fanny {going to her sister.) Alas ! then 'tis 
but too true. 

Bick. Hitherto, Sir, I have defended you ; 
but with such proofs — 

Mel. Proof! Tis an invention — a calumny — 
I see : this fellow has been set on — by some 
rival perhaps. Harkye, rascal, {seizing him) 
disclose the name of your vile employer, or, 
by heaven, your first step back towards Chan- 
cery-lane shall be out at that window. 

Fer. Are the folks all crazy here ! Help ! 
breach of the peace ! assault and battery ! 
. Bick. No violence ! one word will suffice. 
Would you relinquish your pursuit of Mr. 
Melford, were you not certain that — 

Fer. Sir, my name is Ferret, my father's a 
Ferret, and — 

Mel. No trifling, Sir, {to Bick.) I'll soon con- 
vince you that this tale about a Mrs. Waddy 
is a fiction, and that the debt is not discharged 
{takes his hat.) Here, Sir, I am your prisoner ! 
Away with me. 

Fer. Very sorry I cant oblige you, Sir, but 
having no authority, an action would lie under 
the— 

Mel. You won't !— We'll see that {seizes him 
by the collar.) If I let you stir till you arrest 
me — come along, Sir — no resistance — 

Fer. But, Sir— Sir — who are you that — 

Bick. 'Tis Mr. Melford ! 

Fer. Of Leicester- square, in the county of 
Middlesex, portrait painter ? 

Mel. The same ! 

Fer. Excuse me there ! But I had the plea- 
sure of seeing the gentleman you mention ar- 
rested yesterday afternoon. 

Bick. How! where? 



60 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Fer. In his own painting-room, Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
A little scheme of mine. He swallowed the 
bait like a gudgeon. — " There's a lady waiting 
for you." — " For me." — " Yes, if your name is 
Melford.'' — " I'm your man." Off we went 
and — Ha ! ha ! ha ! He was for denying his 
name when he discovered the trick ; but that 
wouldn't do. 

Mel. Well, Sir, well ? 

Fer. Well, Sir — there the joke ended. Be- 
ing locked up, a Mrs. Waddy furnished him 
with a part of the sum, and a friend, to whose 
house I accompanied him, with the remainder. 
It was there I had the honour of meeting you, 
Sir (to Melford.) 

Bick. Can you describe the gentleman? 

Fer. Why, it was rather an elderly looking 
young man, tall, stiff, and meagre, with a sort 
of rusty agility in his gait, and a countenance 
like parchment steep't in vinegar — crumpled 
and sour. 

Mel. 'Twas he then, 'twas he ! You remem- 
ber his threat yesterday ! — Fairly caught, Ha ! 
ha! ha! 

Bick. Poor Shatterly ! fairly caught, indeed! 

Mel. Yet one word— the challenge — 

Fer. A challenge {hastily.) I know nothing 
of that ; that is not at all in my way, I assure 
you ; besides, I know the law. And now, Sir, 
if that was your only business with me — 

Bick. Sir, I am sorry I have given you this 
needless trouble. 

Mel. As to my impetuosity, Sir — ■ 

Fer. A trifle, Sir — a trifle. I am almost 
sorry he didn't give me a licking; I should 
have carried damages — one way at least — Ha ! 
ha! ha ! — ladies— -gentlemen (bows.) Some 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 61 

other time, Sir, it will give me great pleasure. 

Your most obedient — (As Ferret is going 

off, enter Shatterly who, meeting him full 

butt, walks hastily up the Stage. Ferret 

signs to the rest, and exit. 

Bick. Oh, oh ! there is no longer a doubt. 
So here is his disinterested liberality accounted 
for. 

MeL The sly old rogue ! (as if suddenly be- 
thinking himself?) But this challenge. I see 
it all. While discharging one debt in my 
name he has contracted another. I'll be quits 
with him, and settle that myself. 

Mrs. B. Melford ! where are you going ? 

Fanny. Harry— 

Mel. No matter! I'll soon return. — (Kisses 
Fannys hand and ruhes off.) 

Shat. {about to follow.) Here Melford — 
Harry, my boy — Here ! — 

Bick. {detaining him.) What, Shatterly, no 
apology to the ladies, for your last night's 
rudeness. 

Mrs. B. Come, come, I dare say his absence 
was involuntary. 

Shat. Quite, you may believe me. 

Bick. He was constrained by circumstances. 

Fan. Not altogether a free agent. 

Bick. And in such a case one is like a 
prisoner. 

Shat. Wonderfully like indeed ! (aside) I sus- 
pect — they suspect. 

Mrs. Bick. But we have heard of your libe- 
rality to your nephew. 

Bick. A friend indeed! You come forward 
freely, spontaneously, and do the thing at 
once and without parade. 



62 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

Fan. So anxious, too, to conceal it. All in 
the true spirit of generosity. 

Shat. Aye— aye — but pray say no more 
about it. Tis the duty of one young fellow to 
help another out of a scrape. 

Bick. And to run off with his mistress too ? 
Upon my life Shatterly, you are too bad : you 
are a devil of a fellow. 

Shat. 'Tis all out : and this is a sample of 
the raillery I am to endure for the rest of my 
life. 

Mrs. Bick. You see we are acquainted with 
the whole story, {they all laugh) 

Shat. Oh! 1 can't bear this. Spare me! 
Spare me ! You are my friends, my dear friends ; 
keep my secret, I implore you. 

Mrs. Bick. Not unconditionally though. 

Shat. Name your conditions : my fortune, 
my life, what you will : but don't drive me 
mad. 

Fan. First then, pardon Melford his past ex- 
travagance. 

Shat. Granted. 

Bick. Consent to his marriage with Fanny. 

Shat. Granted. 

Mrs. Bick. Be a good boy, and go home to 
your wife. 

Shat. Ugh ! — {turns away) Choose something 
else if you please. 

Mrs. Bick. I am peremptory. Mrs. Shat- 
terly has been here this morning ; and, though 
I never interfere between man and wife, I must 
say she is an ill-used soul. 

Shat. Been here ! 

Bick. Yes: and went hence to your house. 

Shat. Zounds! Should she happen to meet— 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. .. 63 

Enter ScaiMper. 

Well ! what's the matter ? 

Scamp. Faintings, fits, and hysterics are the 
matter! Ten pounds and go about her business I 
I knew how it would be. I did all I could to 
prevent her coming, but she's here! 

Shat. Why the little minx musn't shew her 
face here ! Yet, gad, I should like to shew her 
off to Bickerton. Scamper, go, tell her. — 

Scamp. Excuse me, Sir ; but I'll be the 
bearer of no more messages to your wife. 

[Exit Scamper. 

Shat. My wife ! What wife ! What does the 
booby mean ! Oh Lord ! The truth flashes 
across me at once. Mrs. Shatterly in town — 
the last year's allowance — two hundred pounds 
— here's a precious blunder, (in the greatest 
trouble) What's to be done ? My dear friends— 
Bicky, my boy — here's a sweet addition to my 
other troubles ! 

Servant Enters. 

Serv. Mrs. Shatterly! [Exit. 

Shat. I'm off. 

Mrs. Bick. Stay Sir : this is to be a day of 
reconciliation. 

Shat. Impossible, Madam ; did you but 
know — Bicky, my dear fellow, you must help 
me out of this scrape. I'll explain it all to 
you {takes him up the stage.) 

Enter Mrs. Shatterly. 

Mrs. Shat. Oh, Mrs. Bickerton — Fanny, my 
dear — You know I never utter a complaint of 
Mr. Shatterly's ill-usage of me— except to 



64 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

yourselves and a few others of. his intimate 
friends ; but all the world shall know this. 

Mrs. Bick. Sit down and compose yourself, 
my dear. 

Mrs. Skat. Compose myself! and be paci- 
fied, I suppose ! after such an outrage— to me, 
his wife, his lawful wedded wife ! 

Fanny. Hush ! he's here ! 

Mrs. Skat. Here! I'll begone! I'll not be- 
hold him — No — I'll remain — he shall answer 
this in presence of you all. I must summon up 
the dignity of the wife. Mr. Shatterly 

Skat, (to Bick, who pushes him forward) 'Gad, 
my dear fellow, I cannot stand this. 

Mr* Skat. So, Sir ! is it come to this ? Ten 
pounds, and go about my business ! 

Bick. Spare him, spare him ! 'twas a mis- 
take : he has explained it all to me. 

Mrs. Shat. Let him answer for himself: he 
is old enough ! 

Shat. Then, to tell you the truth, when 
Scamper came to me, I thought he was speak- 
ing of — 

Bick. (hastily interrupting him). A trouble- 
some pensioner: Mr. Shatterly's charities are 
very extensive, and he has many of that kind. 

Mrs. Shat. But do I deserve your neglect ? 
Have I not always been to you an affection- 
ate wife ? 

Shat. As a dove ! 

Mrs. Shat. Obedient?— 

Shat. As a slave ! 

Mrs. Shat. Tender and gentle ?-*■ 

Shat. As a lamb. 

Bick. Once more, forgive him. He has 
promised to return to his allegiance, and— * 
(Shatterly pulls his coat) else — 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 65 

Mrs, Bick, (to Mrs, S.) And that you shall 
quit your smoky back parlour at Kensington. 
(Shatterly makes a sign to her.) Else — 

Shat. But Mrs. Shatterly is in delicate health, 
and — 

Mrs. Shat. I in delicate health! (violently) 
What do you mean by delicate health ? 

Shat. Why, not exactly that, (aside.) I am 
in their power. Oh! this is a bitter pill to 
swallow, but, since I must, I may as well do 
it with a good grace. — Sally, my dear, — I have 
been a sad wild young dog, I confess : but 
youth must have its day; pardon me, and I 
swear — (with great difficulty he kneels) I swear — 

Mrs. Shat. Oh Shatterly, you are at your 
winning ways again, {gives him her hand which, 
with evident reluctance, he kisses.) All is par- 
doned. Rise. (Shatterly makes an ineffectual 
effort to rise.) 

Enter Mflford. 

Mel. Ah, ha ! this is as it should be. Let 
me assist you, Sir. (helps him up.) 

Shat. Assist me ! confound you, do I want 
assistance? Why didn't you let me remain: 
I hadn't said half the tender things I meant to 
say. 

Mel. So, Sir : not only you assume my 
name that you may discharge debts for 
me, but you use it, too, to contract them ! you 
know Captain O'Rapper ? 

Shat. So, that's out too ! Yes, an idle blus- 
terer, who after appointing— 

Mel. Not so, Sir ; I have seen him ; the 
delay was unavoidable : the Captain is a brave 
fellow, and a merry one, too ; for, on explain- 
ing the mistake to him, he relished the joke 



66 MARRIED AND SINGLE. 

highly ; I have shaken hands with him on your 
part, and the affair has ended in a laugh. 

Shat. Then let me tell you your interference 
was impertinent. Do you think I am unable 
to fight my own battles? I have a hand as 
steady as a finger-post, (trembles) and can 
snuff a candle at twenty yards. 

Mel. Don't be angry. You are a kind uncle 
to me, and though I would not prevent your 
paying a debt for me, now and then, hang me 
if I'd see you in danger on my account, or allow 
any man living to hurt a hair of your — wig. 

Shat. Harry — you are a fine fellow, and there 
is your reward — (leading Fanny to him) with five 
thousand pounds on your wedding day. 

Mel. Well, I own I have been rather wild, 
thoughtless and extravagant; I have punctu- 
ally fulfilled all the duties of a batchelor ; that 
circumstance, and the choice I here make, are 
a guarantee that I shall make a most exem- 
plary husband. 

Bick. Let us be your models : (takes his wife 9 s 
hand) a firm, yet gentle exercise of authority 
on one side — 

Mrs. Bick. An entire and unresisting sub- 
mission on the other — 

Mrs. Shat. And do you, Mr. Shatterly, never 
forget that I am your lawful, wedded wife. 

Shat. Lawful and wedded! Ladies, it is my 
opinion that a husband would seldom think 
of regaining his liberty, if you were not so 
fond of reminding him, by the cursed clanking 
of his chains, that he has lost it. 

Mel. (taking Fanny s hand) Well, every state 
has its hopes — 

Bick. (taking Mrs. B's.) Its pleasures — 

Shat. (taking his wife's) And its pains. 



MARRIED AND SINGLE. 67 

Bick. And our only chance of happiness lies 
in the fulfilment of the duties of that which we 
have chosen. 

Skat. I have promised to turn over a new 
leaf, so pray don't throw your morality at my 
head. I confess my faults ; and since I return 
to my wife — I shall have plenty of time for 
sorrow and repentance. 

Mel. Well, little can be said in favour even 
of a bachelor's life : but playing the bachelor 
at second hand ! — However, my uncle has had 
the proverb in his favour: once a man and 
twice a child. 

Bick. Twice a child perhaps, but only once 
a boy, depend on it. 

Shat. Well, I now start afresh, and become 
the pattern of matrimonial propriety, as, 
hitherto, I have been the model of dash, 
frolic, and fashion. Youth must have its day : 
I confess— 

" I sipped ev'ry flower, 
" I changed ev'ry hour." 

What then ! I now return soberly to my wife — 
a devilish fine woman, and a credit to any 
man — (aside) 'Gad, I must make the best of 
it. — And I seriously assure you — {pauses and 
comes a little forward.) — Yet I have no great 
heart towards reform — What young fellow 
has ? And if I could find any kind friend to 
countenance my appearing a little longer in 
this double state of Married and Single. — 
(comes forward.) Ladies and Gentlemen, will 
you ? — Ladies ?— Ladies ? 

the end. 



EHACKELL JlKD AKROWSMITH, J©HXSON>S-COURT, 
FLEET-STREET. 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: April 2009 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 1 6066 
(724)779-2111 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 528 280 9 



